


The Piano Man

by Clicheangel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Bad Parent John Winchester, Chubby Dean Winchester, Dean Plays Piano, Homophobia, Insecure Dean Winchester, Low-key ooc, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Okay.. both of his parents are bad, Sad, Sad Dean Winchester, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Teenage Sam Winchester, Therapist Castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-01 14:57:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clicheangel/pseuds/Clicheangel
Summary: Dean is a new patient at crossroads institution after trying to take his own life. Castiel is a therapist assigned to his case.(Posted on WATTPAD too)





	1. The Attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes! :))

TRIGGER WARNING: DONT READ THIS FIC IF YOU GET TRIGGERED AT ALL

-Dean POV- 

I stopped feeling a while ago... Well, I still feel pain. Pain is the only thing that keeps me alive. It might sound stupid but... Feeling nothing hurts a lot more than being sad. 

I started hurting myself when mom left. 

She left when I was 16... Said she couldn't take John's abuse anymore... didn't even think twice before packing up her bags and leaving, leaving Sammy and I here with an abusive, homophobic asshole. 

I haven't forgiven her, nor do I want to... I'm 18 now, just finished high school but still living at home. 

Which dad isn't happy about.

I started working part time at my uncle Bobby's shop to try to save up to rent an apartment or something but I barely make enough to live. Dad stopped paying for my food and giving me rides places when I turned 18... 

He also hates that I prefer playing piano over sports. He tried to force me to play football in high school but I convinced him I was gonna focus on working at Bobby's shop and my academics. 

In reality, I fucking hate sports. I can barely get out of bed, let alone run around a field with a fucking ball. 

He calls me a 'sissy faggot' for preferring singing and making music, an art, over running around with (sometimes) attractive men and tackling them to play with a ball. 

It makes it worse because I'm gay. 

Super duper fucking gay. 

Which doesn't matter because I'll never find love. I'm ugly and fat. Nobody would ever want me. I don't even shower most of the time because I can't get out of bed. 

I don't sleep, the bags under my eyes prove that. I overeat because its the only thing that makes me feel better. 

No man in their right mind would ever want someone like me. Someone struggling. Someone hopeless. 

One guy- Azazel demonè, proved that to me when I was a junior in high school. He made a bet with his friends that he could get me to kiss him before the end of the year. 

I- of course- didn't know that and bought into it, I thought he actually liked me. The way his brown eyes ran over my (now fat) hips, his smirk when he'd talk dirty to me.

After a few weeks of thinking he actually liked me we kissed and he then proceed to tell the entire school I was gay and to stay away from me. 

He took my first kiss from me for a bet, I'm just glad he didn't make a bet to sleep with me or may have attempted a long time ago.. 

I lost my only friend and someone I thought cared for me. 

People would write faggot on my locker in permanent marker, push my onto the ground, bump into me when walking by on purpose. 

At one point Azazel and his friends beat me black and blue and I couldn't tell anymore in risk of my dad finding out I was gay...

I told him I got in a fight over a girl I had a crush on from my fifth period English class. 

He bought it at the time. 

After high school I thought I finally escaped the torment, but apparently people just don't grow up. 

Living in a small town in Kansas is rough, especially when everyone is homophobic and you're gay as hell. 

Sometime they still throw eggs at my house and scream 'faggot!' before driving away... Usually my dad is at work during the day so he doesn't hear it but I know if he ever does it'll be all over for me. 

At first he didn't hit me when mom left, only drank his life away even more than usual. 

Then I told him of my interest in playing piano, he took this as my 'coming out' and got in my face, it didn't end in a fist fight but it did lead to him being more aggressive towards me. 

He finally snapped when I didn't make dinner one night when he came home from work. 

He wasn't totally drunk when this happened, he marched right into my room, my head was under the blanket, I was taking, as the kids say, a 'depression nap'. 

He yanked the blankets off of me and shouted in my face, calling me many homophobic slurs and making fun of my body. 

He threw me off the bed and kicked me as hard as he could, i'm still surprised to this day he didn't break one of my ribs. 

He threw punches, continued to scream for what seemed like hours and ended it all by spitting harshly onto my bloody face before walking out of my room. 

He'd obviously been holding back for a while and let it loose on that night. 

It continued through out the years since then, not always as bad as that night but generally just as violent and harsh.

These are some of the things that lead up to my attempt...

Well, I haven't attempted yet but as soon as dad leaves to take Sammy to baseball practice I'm gonna write my note, clean up my room, grab my favorite razor, and- 

"Hey, Dean... We're leaving soon, can I have a hug?" A voice interrupts my inner dialogue. 

"Sure, Sammy." 

Sam has minor abandonment issues because of mom and always insists on giving me a hug and saying 'I love you,' before going anywhere without me...

That thought fucking hurt because I am never gonna see him again... A year ago I wouldn't leave him in this world alone but now.. I can't handle living like this anymore. 

"I love you, de." He says quietly, grinning at me as he pulls away. 

"I love you too, Sammy." I say back, giving him a weak smile. 

I know he's noticed my depression, my emptiness. 

He mentioned it briefly, saying sometime he felt the same, I told him to never keep it in and to talk to me anytime. I never- never want him to feel how I feel today. 

He throws me another sympathetic grin as he walks through my bedroom door, leaving the room excruciatingly silent. 

I sigh at myself, waiting until I heard the front door close and the car doors open to prepare everything I needed to... to.. well y'know... 

I feel anxiety creep through my stomach, I know the longer I wait the more it would crawl up my chest and into my veins. 

I take a shaky breath, my hands starting to shake as I sit at my desk and pull out a blank piece of paper and a pen. 

I hear the trunk of the car close outside and the engine start. This is the last time I'll hear baby, the last time I'll sit at this desk, the last time I'll ever write anything. 

I wait until I hear baby start down the street to write the note. 

It's to Sammy, I'd leave a sentence or two at the end for dad but he doesn't deserve to be my last thought. 

"Dear Sammy," 

I start, writing in sloppy, curly letters. 

"This wasn't your fault, don't ever think that. You're the reason I lived for so long... The reason I kept on keeping on. Don't Blame yourself, please. I tried to stay strong, I did. I can't do it, buddy. I told myself it was selfish to leave you with that monster, but I can't do this anymore. My hands shake and I hear my heart beating in my chest. I can't breathe anymore. I'm so, so tired. I feel to much, or I don't feel at all. I don't wanna get help, I don't wanna try to help dad either... I just wanna go, just wanna be at peace. I feel like I'll never be normal after the life I've had. 

I'm sorry, I'm so, so, so, sorry." I write, fears forming in my eyes, I really didn't want this to be dramatic but I'm about to die. 

I'm about to die. 

"You won't be alone in this world forever. You're the smartest kid I've ever meant. You have a bright, happy future ahead of you, and I'm sad to say, I don't... I love you, Sammy. Don't let dad steal your brightness from you like he stole mine from me. 

I'm sorry, Sam. 

Love, your big brother,

Dean." 

I have tears falling down my face by the time I finished writing my name. I try to avoid the paper as much as possible, folding it in half and writing 'Sam' on the front. 

I put the pen back in my desk before standing up and pushing my chair in. 

I pick up the clothes on the floor quickly, putting them in my closet and shutting the door. I make my bed and change into my favorite pajamas. 

The shirt is soft and blue, the pants are red and black plaid, 

I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth, looking at myself in the mirror one last time afterwards. 

I frown at my reflection, combing my fingers through my knotted, short hair and splash water on my face before using a towel to wipe it off gently. 

I try to smile at myself, this is a good thing. What I've always wanted. 

Why does it feel so bad?

I frown, dropping my attempt at a smile and walk back into my bedroom, deciding to leave the door open. 

I walk over to my desk, opening the drawer and pulling out a little box that has a couple razors in it. 

I opted for the good ol' fashioned down the wrist suicide. It's gonna be messy but at least I know I'll be dead... Right? 

I close the drawer after taking out my favorite blade, it's sharp, it'll be quick. 

I sit on my bed again, breathing deeply and trying to dislodge the anxiety from my throat. 

I take a shaky breath as the tears come back,

The shirt I'm wearing is thankfully short sleeved, so all I gotta do is...

I hold out my most scarred wrist. Looking at the jagged lines littering it. I take a deep breath, holding the blade up to my wrist and looking up at the ceiling. 

I let out a sob and press the blade into my veins, dragging it down roughly. 

It makes me cry out loudly, the pain sharp, blood already pooling around it. 

My shaking right hand switches the blade into my left hand, giving the same treatment to the other side. 

I flop back onto my bed, still looking at the ceiling as my vision blurs. My breathing is uneven but the only thing I can hear is muffled silence. I let my lips part so I can breath better, closing my eyes and trying to let myself die. 

I hear a muffled voice yell, 

"DEAN!" 

Before everything goes black.


	2. The Hospital

-Dean POV- 

My arms and legs are so heavy. 

I can't feel anything. 

I can hear my light breathing and a steady beeping sound. 

I need to try to open my eyes. 

What happened? 

My eyes flutter, trying to protect my pupil's from the onslaught on light. I groan, trying to cover my face with my hand, but not finding enough strength. 

"Dean?" A small voice says, "Doctor!!" 

I wince, the noise to loud for my now sensitive ears. I try harder to open my eyes, letting them adjust to the light for a few seconds before closing them and trying again. 

It takes a few seconds to get them open, I squint and look away from the ceiling, where the fluorescent lights hang. 

Where am I? 

"Dean, oh my God!!" Sam says from beside me, as a short, older man wearing a lab coat walks in. 

"Where am I?" I ask, my voice hoarse. 

"Dean? I'm Doctor Crowley, you're at the the hospital, do you remember what happened?" The doctor says in a mild Scottish accent,

"I-i..." I say, trying to remember. 

... 

And then it hit me,

"I tried to kill myself." I say, suddenly overcome with sadness. "No, no... I don't wanna be alive, why?!" I say, starting to sit up, 

"Dean, you gotta lay down!" Sam says, pushing down on my shoulder. 

"You're lucky to be alive, son." The doctor- crowley, says, picking up a clip broad from the bedside table next to me. 

I give him a disbelieving look,

"Now, after you recover we need to talk about what's going to happen." He pauses, flipping a paper on the clipboard. "After something like this... You have a mandatory 72 hour stay at crossroads institution-" 

"I'm 18! You can't do that!" I say, angry. 

"We're pink slipping you, Dean. You have no choice. Now- after the 72 hours are up the therapist assigned to you will decide if you need to stay longer. It'll take a couple days for you to be well enough to be sent over there. Your father brought you a bag from home and we'll be escorting you to the institute when you're better, understand?" 

"No! I'm not going!" I reply, looking over at Sam.

"You have to, Dean." He says back, looking sad. "You...you need to." 

I sigh heavily, "I'm fine." 

"No you're not. Please just go... For me?" Sam says, putting his hand lightly on my arm. 

The look in his eyes makes me pause, he looks like a little kid again, back when mom left. The almost hopeless look planted on his face.

"...alright." I say after a few beats, not looking at the doctor. 

"Alright." He repeats, "I'm gonna leave you two alone now... I'll be back with paperwork later,"

I nod, watching him walk out the door. 

"Why?" Sam asks, looking at me once the door closes. 

"Why what?"

"Don't play stupid, dean! You tried to kill yourself... If you would have died.. I don't know what... I would have done." He replies, looking at me sadly. 

"I just can't do it anymore, Sammy-" I say, weak and sad. 

"Don't say that shit, dean! I went through the same stuff as you and I'm...okay." he interrupts,

"I'm gay." 

I glance over at Sam after a few long seconds, his expression unreadable. 

"What does tha-" 

"People haven't been kind to me... Dad hasn't been kind to me, mom left... I can't feel anything sometimes... i-i.." when I feel tears start in my eyes I groan, rubbing my eyes. 

"I know... but you have me... You could have talked to me instead of.." Sam trailed off, looking down at my wrist. 

I look to where his eyes are pointed, Both of my wrists are wrapped in gauze, covering the deep gashes.

"I read the note... While the ambulance was coming... Dean..." He says, still looking at the evidence of my failure. 

"Don't." I say, putting my arms under the blanket. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore." 

He shakes his head, looking down. "Dad's at work...he- he's pissed." 

I roll my eyes, sighing deeply, "Okay, Sammy." I pause, thinking back to my attempt, "how were you there? You had... practice, you weren't supposed to find me." I trailed off, 

"I forgot my baseball bat... had to drive back and get it.." he replies, "I should let you rest," he says, standing up. 

"Can you..." I pauses, looking up at my little brother from the hospital bed, "Stay...please?" He nods, smiling weakly.

"I love you, Dean." 

"I love you too, Sammy." I say, my voice breaking, before letting my eyes close and slowly drifting to sleep. 

-

It didn't take long for me to be well enough to leave the hospital, after 3 days Dr. Crowley declared I would be leaving tomorrow, 

I cleaned up the hospital room I was staying in, giving all my dirty clothes to the nurse to wash before I left and packing up the rest. 

They had to throw the clothes I attempted in, into the trash because of the blood, which was disappointing considering they were my favorite but it's my fault for not dying I guess. 

I showered in the bathroom in my temporary room, not knowing if the institution had public or private showers. 

I'm gonna avoid showering for as long as possible if they're public, I don't want anyone to see my fat, ugly body. 

Sam stayed with me as much as possible during these last few days, only going home when visiting hours were over and coming immediately back as soon as they started again. 

I didn't really know what to expect when it came to crossroads. Well.. I know how the movies portray asylums but I know that's all fiction. 

I hope the food is at least decent, for I have something to make myself feel better. 

"Go to sleep, Dean, you have a big day tomorrow." A voice says from behind me. 

I knew it was the receptionist, Lisa, but I don't feel like talking right now. 

I turn around from where I'm standing at the window, smiling weakly at her and walking towards the bed, 

"You doing alright?" She asks, leaning against the door frame. 

"Yeah... Just nervous about tomorrow," I say, causing her to nod in understanding. 

"It'll all be okay, Dean. You'll get better..." She pauses, gesturing towards the bed, "Go to sleep now, tomorrow's a new day." 

I smile sadly again, getting under the blanket.

"Goodnight." Lisa flips the light off and closes the door. 

-

I woke early to the sound of knocking at my door. I don't know what time I fell asleep or how long I'd been sleeping but all I knew was that I'm fucking tired. 

"Wakey wakey," Crowley annoying voice says from the doorway. "you'll be driven to crossroads around noon, it's 10:30 now." He says, waiting for my reply. 

"Alright," I grumble, stuffing my face into a pillow, 

"I think you're old enough to make sure you get up on your own so I'll leave you to it." Crowley says, leaving and shutting the door. 

The silence sets in after he leaves. The soft sound of people walking around the hallways outside is the only thing to be heard. 

I wait a few minutes, just laying in the bed in the darkness of the room. I don't really wanna get up but I know I gotta be ready soon. 

When I finally get up I decide to change into a pair of soft sweatpants and a hoodie, I would go with jeans but today isn't gonna be easy and sweatpants will definitely make me feel better. 

Not really knowing what to do next I sit back on my bed and wait for Crowley to come back and escort me to the car that would take me to the institution. 

I can feel anxiety creeping low in my stomach, I'm not excited about this at all. A part of me wishes I would have died. 

People keep telling me "it's a miracle I'm alive" and "you got a second chance at life" but everything feels the same, the only difference is I have 2 new scars and a couple of stitches. 

I've been trying to keep the thought of me being a failure out of my head, knowing it would just upset me more than necessary but it's been hard.. especially now because it's so quiet and all I have is time. 

"Are you ready?" A nurse asks, popping her head into my room, "Crowley had an emergency room patient to deal with and I've been told to take you to the car." She says, opening the door wider and stepping into the room. 

I nod, not realizing so much time had passed. 

I walk over to my bookbag full of clothes, grabbing one of the straps and putting it on my shoulder, wincing as my stitches are pulled tight from my sudden movement. 

"Let's go." 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: woah me actually updating fast??? What is this??   
> I've written a few chapters already so I'ma post each one when I finish a future one .. if that makes sense, next chapter is good trust me ;)))   
> Hope you enjoyed it!  
> Adios


	3. The institution

-Dean POV- 

The drive to crossroads takes about 25 minutes, 

There are two people sitting upfront, talking quietly between each other, not paying me any mind. 

The back of the car is kind of like the back of a police car, a cage type covering separating the front seat from the back. The doors lock from the outside, keeping me from spontaneously jumping out of the car. 

Yes, that thought occurred. 

My bag sits in the trunk, I know they'll search my stuff when I get there, I just hope they don't take anything. 

I have a couple pairs of clothes and necessary hygiene products. Dad knew I was only staying for a few days so he just threw some stuff in a bag and dropped it off at the hospital. 

He hasn't seen me since... 

I don't think I wanna see him, he dropped Sam off everyday to stay with me but never once came in. 

I know I'll have to face the music when he comes to pick me up in three days but for now... I don't wanna think about him. 

The car comes to a stop, one person getting out to escort me into the building and sign me in. 

They walk around the car and open my door, not making eye contact with me, before tapping on the driver's side window to get the girl driving to pop the trunk for me to get my bag. 

I walk around the car and grab my bag, flinching when the guy closes it roughly. 

"Come on." He says simply, Gesturing for me to walk ahead of him and into the building. 

I step in front, stepping onto the sidewalk and opening the heavy glass door, walking in before him and not holding the door open. 

The guy grunts as the door hits him, stepping in behind me. 

"Go sit in one of those chairs while I sign you in, don't get to comfortable though, were going in the elevator as soon as I'm done." The random guy says, walking away before I can get in a response. 

I just sigh, going to sit in a chair closest to the elevator. 

I wait a few seconds before letting myself slide down the seat a little bit, I really really don't wanna stay here. 

The elevator next to me opens, revealing a tall black haired guy, he's wearing black dress pants and a plain white shirt. We make eye contact briefly before I shyly look away, looking down at my stomach. 

My sweatshirt is pulled tight, outlining my fat stomach. I groan quietly, sitting up and cringing at myself. 

I hear footsteps approach me, already knowing it's the guy who signed me in, I stand up and turn around to look at him. 

"Let's go." He says, I blatantly roll my eyes, walking over to the already open elevator and stepping inside, letting the guy get in too and press the correct button, 

"Wait!" A very nice deep voice says from outside the closing elevator. 

The cute black haired guy puts his hand out, stopping it from closing. 

He smiles at us, stepping inside the elevator too, he glances down at the button pad and reaches his hand out before pulling it away when he realizes the floor he needs to go to button is already pressed, "Thanks." He says, looking down at the paper in his hands as the elevator door closes. 

There's a few seconds of awkward silence... Well it's awkward for me... Which causes my anxiety about being here to jump, 

I take a Shakey breath, trying not to draw attention to me. 

I feel eyes on me, I press my head into my chest and flick my eyes over to the black haired guy shyly,

He smiles sympatheticly ... I thought I was sick of sympathetic smiles but his is just... better than most... Comforting even.

I look away as the elevator door opens, The black haired guy steps through first, turning down a hallway and walking into a room. 

The guy escorting me steps out and walks towards the front desk, without being told to go sit down I walk with him. 

"Hey," he starts, drawing the receptionists attention. "Here with Dean Winchester." She nods, typing something into her computer, 

"Doctor Novak is going to be giving him a consultation and showing him to his room. I'll let him know you're here." She says with a smile,

"Alright," he replies, turning to me, "Go sit down, kid, it could be awhile. My only instruction was to drop you off so I'm gonna go... Get better," he ends with, not bothering a smile before walking back to the elevator and pressing a button. 

I glance around the room, the wall was lined with empty chairs facing a TV opposite the receptionist desk. 

I walk to them and sit down, shaking my leg and taking heavy breaths. 

I can feel the anxiety clouding my mind, I hear my heart in my chest. I look towards the window next to a couple of chair, it's covered with a very fine, close together bars. 

Below the bars there is writing in bright yellow marker on the window. It reads "bee happy!" With a cartoon bee and flowers below it. 

It doesn't make me feel any better. 

There isn't much noise besides the TV. Only clicking of keys from the front desk. 

I close my eyes and lean my head against the wall, trying to fight off an oncoming anxiety attack. 

I try to take deep breaths, feeling tears well in my closed eyes. 

"Dean?" A deep voice asks,

My anxiety jumps from hearing my name, I open my eyes quickly, "Yeah?" I ask, seeing the same cute guy from the elevator standing close to where I'm seated. 

"I'm Doctor Novak. Follow me and we can go to my office to start your consultation." He says, looking worriedly at me. 

I just nod, standing and grabbing my bookbag from beside me. 

He leads me down the hallway next to the elevator, holding the door open for me and shutting it behind himself. 

"Please, have a seat." He says, walking around the desk to sit behind it. 

I sit hesitantly, glancing around his desk at various knick knacks and family photos. 

"How are you feeling today?" He asks, gathering papers and putting them in a pile before grabbing a pen and a pair of glasses. 

He slides the thick framed glasses on, somehow making himself even more attractive. 

He glances at me after a second of silence and smiles. 

He smiles so sweetly. 

"I-uh..." I start, "..I'm alright." I say, hating the eye contact Novak is offering me.

"Be honest with me... I'm not gonna judge you." 

"Well, it's your job to judge me..." I say, looking down.

He hums, leaning back in his chair. "Not exactly.." he stops, waiting for me to look up, "what are you afraid of?" 

"Staying here." I say, as if his eye contact was compelling me. "I'm scared if I tell you how I really feel I'll have to stay... Longer than 3 days." He nods, looking sad. 

"I'm fear that might happen regardless, Dean. If you felt low enough to try to take your own life there's clearly a problem, I'm here to help you solve it." He pauses, "And all we have is time." 

I shrug, "How are you feeling today?" He asks again. 

"I'm tired. I could barely sleep at the hospital," he nods, writing it down, 

"Go on," he says after a few more seconds of silence. 

"I have anxiety... I don't like that it's so quiet in here," he nods again, putting his pen down and turning to his computer, after a few clicks from the mouse the soft sound of piano fills the air. 

"Does that help?" He asks, looking at me skeptically. 

"Yeah... A little," he waves his hand for me to go on before picking up his pen. "I feel ugly today..." I furrow my eyebrows, embarrassed I admitted that, "I feel like I ate to much yesterday." 

"How are you eating habits? Do you eat 3 times a day?" 

"I eat way to much... More than 3 times." 

He nods, writing it down, "It's fine to indulge sometimes, Dean." He says, pausing to read a question off the paper. "How are your sleeping patterns?" 

"Uh... I guess, I either sleep 2 hours a night or 12.." I say, giving a nervous laugh. 

He smiles lightly at my nervous laugh, "Have you ever been to therapy or gone into an institution?" 

I shake my head, pulling on a loose thread on my shirt, "Nah," 

He makes a disapproving sound, "How long have you been feeling this way," I furrow my eyebrows at him, "uh... Suicidal." 

I take a deep breath, "Well... Since I was 16 I guess," 

"Did anything specific lead to you feeling this way?" He asks, looking right into my eyes, 

"My..uh-" I squirm in my seat uncomfortably, "I've never told anyone." 

He nods, "It's alright, you can tell me, I promise I won't tell anyone." I bite my bottom lip, drawing his eyes to it. 

After a few seconds I release it and his eyes spring back to mine, he looks embarrassed for a second before nodding at me, "it's alright.." 

"My mom.. left, she left me and my little brother with our dad and he's not nice.." I wanna keep it simple, not wanting CPS on my ass when I get home. "And... This boy junior year.. he..uh," I blush, swallowing loudly, "Made a bet with his friends that he couldn't get me to kiss him and I did and he outed me to everyone... For the rest of my highschool career people called me faggot and pushed me around everyday..." I shrug, "it sounds... trivial, but it's hurts.. after a while I couldn't deal with it and I just.. started feeling this way." 

"I'm sorry that happened to you, Dean, nobody's struggles are trivial, I promise you that." I nod sadly, "have you ever self harmed?" 

"Yeah.." 

"When did you do it last?" 

"Before my... attempt.. I think 2... no, 3 days." 

"How long have you been doing it?" He questions, 

"Since I was 16," I say again, trying to see what he was writing on the paper. 

"Alright, we're not gonna talk to much today, but we will talk everyday for these 3 days so I can determine if you need to stay and if so, how long.." he pauses, "I have 2 more questions," I nod, looking into his pretty blue eyes again, his eye contact not making as uncomfortable as before.

"What makes you happy?" I look at him oddly, opening my mouth and closing it, confused. "I know it's an odd question for what we've been talking about but I wanna make you as comfortable as possible here."

I nod, thinking quick. "My brother, Sam... Playing piano," I start to smile "Pie," 

He gives me a knowing look, writing it down on a separate piece of paper, "there's actually a piano in the patient section here. You can play on it anytime it's free." He offers, smiling widely at me. "Your brother can come visit you on visiting days, they're Monday and Wednesday 8 AM to 5PM... As for pie, I can put in a word with the chef, he happens to be my brother," 

I smile weakly at him, appreciating his attempt to make me feel better. "Thanks, Doc." 

"You can call me Castiel, if you like... Now for my final question," he pauses.. "Do you think you're better with people or alone?" 

"Alone... I get.. anxious around people," he nods at that, finishing up writing before setting his pen down and taking his glasses off. 

He stands from his desk chair, stretching his arms above his head and revealing a small patch of skin on his naval, He has a thin line of hair leading into his pants... a happy trail, if you will. 

I wanna be mad at it, at him for being so fit, but it just makes him more attractive to me. 

I stand abruptly when I realize I was staring at his stomach, 

Either he hadn't noticed or didn't say anything. 

"Okay, now I can either search your bag for unsafe items here or give it to the storage locker people upstairs where the patient floor is.. it's up to you, then I'll show you around the patient floor and your room." 

"Uh.. you can search it," I pauses, handing him my bookbag and thinking quickly, "Are the showers... Public?" I ask, feeling self conscious, 

"No, there's a bathroom in each room, if you have a roommate you'll share it with them but besides that nobody will see you." I nod, feeling a little better about staying here. 

"You don't know if I'll have a roommate?" I ask, 

"Not yet. Once we get upstairs I'll get the paper with your room number, there isn't many people staying here right now, so there's a chance you won't have one." He pauses, zipping my bag back up, "all clear." He says, grabbing a key card attached to a lanyard off his desk, "Shall we?" I just nod, waiting for him to walk in front of me. 

I stay a few places behind him, unintentionally looking at his ass. His very nice... Firm- 

"How do you feel about staying here?" Castiel's voice interrupts, as we stop at the elevator. 

"Uh... Nervous I guess? I've never gotten... Help with stuff like this," 

He smiles softly at me, gesturing for me to walk into the elevator when it opens. 

He steps in beside me and presses the button for the floor above this one. 

"What.. uh.. exactly happens here?" I ask, not liking how I broke the brief silence. 

"Schedule wise?" I nod, "Well, they'll wake up for breakfast at 9, you'll get an hour of recreation, After recreation time you'll go to therapy, with me." He pauses to smile at me. "Then group activity, lunch, free time until dinner, then brief group therapy, to talk about your day, how you're feeling, etcetera, and bed around 10:30, you don't have to go to sleep, just go into your room. Every hour someone on watch will come in to check on you." I nod again, biting my lip "you can shower and stuff whenever, as long as you don't skip any activities." 

I hate schedules. I like having my own time, to lay in bed, do nothing, sulk alone. It sounds like I'm gonna actually have to leave my bed. 

This is not going to be fun. 

"It'll be alright, Dean." He says, probably seeing the displeased expression on my face. 

The elevator door opens, revealing colorful walls, theres a couple couches, TV's, tables, and bean bag chairs littering the ground. There's people sitting around, playing games, watching TV. 

I take another Shakey breath when some people's eyes turn to me. 

Castiel smiles at them, waving at a group of teens laying on bean bag chairs, they smile at him, looking curiously at me. 

"Come on, Dean." He says, walking towards a room with the door open beside the area where everyone is at. 

I follow reluctantly, feeling my nerves creep up on me. 

"Heya, cas!" A sweet voice says as we walking deeper into the room, "New guy?" A short brunette girl asks, sitting at a desk in front of lock boxes. 

"Yes, meg. This is Dean." He says gesturing to me. 

She makes an 'aha!' sound, before opening a drawer and pulling out a card, "he's in room 103, no roommate..." She pauses, handing the card to... Cas. "Do you have your phone with you?" I shake my head, fiddling with my book bag strap again. She looks down at my feet, they're covered in slip on flip flops with socks, I'm confused for a second before I remember shoelaces are dangerous and she was checking if she needed to take my shoes. 

"I searched his bag already," She nods when cas speaks, 

"Any food allergies?" She asks while getting a piece of paper out of the drawer, 

"Uh...no," She just nods, marking 'none' and sliding the paper into a folder. 

"Alright, ready for the grand tour?" Cas asks me.

"Sure..." 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Dean met Cas, Lets goo..  
> I hope you liked it, I'll update soon!  
> The next chapter is really long and eventful  
> Adios


	4. The Grand Piano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes

-Dean POV- 

"First stop: your room, you can put your stuff down and I'll show you around." Cas says, leading me down a hallway opposite Meg's office.

There's at least 5 doors on each side of the hallway, a window with thin bars at the end. 

"It's right down here," Cas says, going to a room labeled '103' and holding the door open for me. 

It was the last door on the left next to the window at the end of the hallway. 

I stepped inside, Cas walking in behind me. 

It was a plain, silent room. It smelled of sadness and had two plastic green mattresses in cheap brown wood sitting next to each other in the middle of the room. There were two small dressers for clothes close to each bed. 

"After the tour I'll grab you some bed sheets and a pillow or two.." Cas says from behind me. 

I put my backpack on the bed, looking around the room again. 

There was one large window and a door, probably leading to the bathroom, 

"It's quiet," I say, pitifully. 

Cas looked sympathetic for a moment, looking around the room. 

"And cold," I say when Cas doesn't say anything, "it'll be alright though... Castiel, it's just a few days.." He nods at that, looking sad. "Hopefully.." 

There are a few more seconds if silence, just Cas and I staring into each other's eyes. "Welp, I guess we should get this 'grand tour' started, huh?" I say, breaking the silence. 

"Uh.. yeah," 

He steps towards the door and holds it open for me again, waiting until I'm out to close it behind himself. "Let's go to the cafeteria, lunch just ended a little while ago so Gabriel should not be busy." 

Without commenting that I didn't know who Gabriel was I nodded, once again, letting Cas lead the way. 

His ass was looking as good as always, it jiggled slightly when he walked but looked firm at the same time?? Was that allowed? 

He rounded the corner, walking past all the people in the brightly colored room and into a rather large cafeteria. It had tables scattered around with at least 6 chairs at each. 

"Cassie!" A happy voice said, "What a nice surprise." 

"Don't get to excited, brother. I'm showing a new patient around," he pauses, turning around and looking at me, "Dean, this is my brother Gabriel, he's the chef here. Gabriel," he says, turning back around to his brother. "This is Dean, he's staying here for a few days and he likes pie." 

"Nice to meet you Dean," He replies, I smile at him while waving, "What does him liking pie have to do with anything?" Gabriel asks, looking confused. 

"If you could add some to the menu sometime within these next few days, that'd be great." 

"I don't do tha-" 

"Thank you, Gabriel." Cas interrupts, grinning, "Now, we have a tour to finish, this is obviously: the cafeteria." He says, waving his hand around. 

I smile at him, turning towards the cafeteria enterance door. 

"This is the recreation room," he says once we exit the cafeteria. "You'll probably spend most your time here." Cas says quietly, trying not to disturb everyone watching TV. 

There were nurses littered around the room, some sitting with the patients and talking, others sitting alone and making sure nobody is doing anything they're not supposed to. 

"I wanna spend most of my time with you," I reply without thinking causing heat to rush to my face, "i-i mean.." 

Cas laughs lightly, grinning at me, "It's alright, dean, I know what you mean." 

I know damn well he doesn't. 

"You'll be doing activities here and sometimes group therapy. I'll show you the room group therapy is supposed to be held in next," he pauses, debating something. "The piano is in a spare room next to the group therapy room," I nod, following Cas down yet another hallway.

"There's more rooms on the other side of the floor but you won't really be going over there," 

He opens a door, the room is nearly empty, the only thing in it is a small grand piano, 

"Woah.." I say, walking over to it and running my hand along the base. 

"Play something for me?" He asks when I sit down. 

"Uh... Sure..." I say, my anxiety starting up, making my hands shake. "I doubt you'll know the songs I can play..." I give a nervous laugh when he doesn't reply, just waits for me to start. 

I push down on the F chord, starting the opening to 'hey, jude' by the Beatles. 

I play for a few seconds before my hands shake to erratically to press the right keys, my face burning with fear of messing up, 

Cas walks over when he sees my hands shaking, he puts his hand lightly on my shoulder and squeezes. 

"It's very good... I can see you're struggling with anxiety, you can stop if you want." I sigh deeply, taking my hands off the keys. 

"Thank you..." I feel ashamed, I taught myself how to play. Hours of sitting on the floor of my bedroom in front of a cheap keyboard I bought online, just to not be able to play in front of someone on a nice piano. "I'm sorry." 

"It's alright, Dean.. look at me." I lift my head to look at him, it's a little awkward because I'm sitting and he's standing above me. "You're very good." He smiles, "Someday, you'll be able to play in front of people. Don't worry." I sigh, shaking my head. 

"I'm not that good... I'll never get over my anxiety, Cas." He smiles softly at the nickname, 

"You are good. Very good. Maybe you can play the full song for me one day.." 

I nod and shrug, turning to slide off the piano bench, "You can come here anytime to play," 

"Can we do therapy sessions here... For I can... Practice playing infront of people?" 

"What a wonderful idea." Cas replies, "I don't see why not... Let me show you the group therapy room and you can get settled into your room..." 

"Okay..." 

The group therapy room has white walls and a few chairs around, there's a couple people talking (one crying) in there, it's a little awkward. There's a small stage and a podium.

"That concludes the tour." He says once we step out of the room. "I can walk with you to your room if you like, I don't have another therapy session until tomorrow." I nod, walking beside him down the hallway. "I'm looking forward to working with you, Dean. You're a very bright young man, I hope you feel better. I really do." He says once we stop in front of my door. 

I bite my lip and try to smile but I can feel tears start in my eyes, 

Cas' face drops and he puts his hand on myself shoulder, "What's the matter?" He asks, clearly concerned, I knew it was just his job though and I really didn't wanna tell him I thought he was better than me and I'll never find someone as caring as him. 

Instead I just say, "Nothing..." I look down at my hands, pulling my hoodie sleeves over my hands. 

"Dean..." He trails off, moving the hand on my shoulder to touch my hand lightly. 

"I'm alright... I'll see you later, doc." Without waiting for a reply I turn around and open the door to my room, quickly getting inside and shutting it. 

I wait a few seconds to make sure he wouldn't follow me inside before pressing my back to the door and sliding down it. I let my head thump against it and I close my eyes, taking deep breaths. 

When I open my eyes I look down at my hands, I had been unconsciously pressing my fingers into the stitches on my left wrist. I pull my hand away, not wanting to pull a stitch or make it start bleeding. That'd just be annoying. 

I get up off the floor and head over to my bed. The light from the window is enough to see without the actual light on. 

I unpack my bag and put my clothes neatly into the mini dresser. 

I set my hygiene products on the top of it, putting the shower stuff off to the side to put into the bathroom. Thank God dad actually brought me the right stuff and not just whatever. 

I know I (hopefully) won't be staying long but I like things to be neat. 

It was a little while after lunch so I had to make a decision: stay in my room and sulk by myself or go out and socialize until dinner. 

Hah- did you actually think socializing was an option? My anxiety would kick my ass before I even stepped out of the room. 

Realizing Cas forgot to get me blankets and pillows I couldn't take a nap. Great. 

Now I had no choice but to go ask a nurse for a blanket. 

Fuck. 

I try to hype myself up, telling myself: it's okay, they're here to help, I'm not a pussy, they won't ask any questions, everything's okay. 

It doesn't work. 

I sit on the cold plastic bed, looking outside at a busy street. Believe it or not it's a crossroads. 

There's cars driving all about, people in them not caring I tried to kill myself. Not caring about the asylum they're driving past. Not caring about anything except getting where they need to go. 

It makes me upset. I'm stuck in here... and nobody cares. 

I would say I've never felt more insignificant but it would be a lie. 

I kick my shoes off and lay back on the cold bed. Staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, letting my mind roam. Scouring through good and bad things. 

Cas is great. Attractive and caring. I wish I was like him. Instead I'm an ugly little bitch who couldn't care less about living or dying. 

I bet he has a wife and kids. She's probably beautiful, unlike me. 

\--  
I woke up shivering. Someone was knocking loudly on the door. 

"Dean?" Someone asks,

I didn't recognize the voice, "Yes?" I say, my voice gruff from sleep. 

"It's dinner, can you please come eat?" 

"Sure..." I reply, sitting up in bed. My neck is sore as fuck from sleeping without pillow. "One moment." 

I slip my shoes back on and rub my eyes. Instead of going to dinner immediately I go into the bathroom to take a piss. 

The first thing I notice when I walk into the bathroom is the shower. It's right next to the door. The floor and walls were made from white tile. The shower didn't have a bath tub, just a drain and a thin white curtain. 

I walk to the toilet, do my business and go to wash my hands with cheap bar soap. 

I stare into the mirror as I do this, it isn't a glass mirror, more of a cheap sheet of plastic you can barely see yourself in. There were scratches all over it as if someone tried to break it to use the sharp plastic. 

I shake my hands off after washing them, not caring to use my towel to dry them off.

Before exiting the bathroom I examine the graffiti on the back of the plain white door. 

There's small pentagrams, Instagram handles, phone numbers, offensive statements, and 'please, kill me's. 

It makes me sad, knowing someone could feel the way I do. Nobody deserves this fucking pain. 

"Dean?" The voice of a worried nurse travels through the bathroom. 

"Yeah," I say, opening the door. "I'm comin." 

I rip open the door to my room, the nurse sighs in relief, smiling at me and gesturing for me to walk to the cafeteria. 

I walk ahead of her, not wanting a conversation. 

There's nobody in the rec room when I walk through it, I assume dinner started a while ago and they just realized they were missing someone. 

I walk into the cafeteria, immediately overwhelmed with anxiety. There isn't many people, only light chatter, but I'm still nervous. 

"Hey! New guy!" Someone says when I walk towards the serving station. 

I turn around and am meant with a very skinny short red head smiling at me, "Wanna sit with me?" She asks, pointing to an almost empty table. 

"Uh..." I pause, looking at her hopeful face. "Sure, lemme get my food." 

"I'm Charlie," she says, following me. 

"Dean." I say, looking at the trays of food. The trays had different types of food on them, I grab one with a cheap looking cheeseburger on it and follow charlie to her table. 

"Guys, this is Dean, the new guy." She says, introducing me.

The table seats six but there's only 2 people (not counting charlie and I) sitting. 

"I'm jo," a pretty blonde girl says, "This is Benny," she says, gesturing to a bear of a boy sitting next to her. 

"Uh... Hi," I start eating immediately, groaning at the taste of food. It made me feel better, as usual. 

"What are you in for?" Charlie asks, picking at her salad. 

Anxiety attacks me as soon as the question is in the air, "Uhm..uh..." 

"Don't ask people that, charlie." Benny says, pointing his fork at her. 

"Just trying to make conversation..." She replies, shrugging. "Sorry." She says, turning to me. 

"It's alright.." 

"So charlie, how's your group project going?" Jo asks, 

"It's good! Gilda is a really good artist so I'm sure my group is gonna win!" 

I have no idea what they're talking about but I don't wanna interrupt and draw attention to myself, I just keep my head down and eat while they talk, 

"How's dinner going, guys?" Cas' deep voice booms, I'm about half way through my food, I'd been so distracted by it I hadn't even noticed he'd walked up. 

"Great! Although Dean here isn't really joining the conversation!" Charlie says, 

"Sorry..." I mutter, my face turning bright red with anxiety. 

"Go easy on Dean, he's new here." Cas says to charlie, his hand falling onto the back of my chair. "Which reminds me..." He trails off, walking towards the kitchen. 

....okay then..

"So, Dean... How old are you?" Jo asks, flicking a piece of carrot at charlie. 

"18..." I reply not really knowing what else to say.. 

"Did you graduate yet?" Charlie asks, jumping into the conversation before Jo has a chance to reply. 

"Yeah.." 

"Here you go, Dean." Cas says, making me jump, 

He sets a piece of pie down lightly onto my tray.. 

I could seriously cry right now.

"Thank you." 

"Awh! Novak! You never bring us anything!" Benny says, fake pouting. 

"Behave and I might." 

Jo snorts at that, flicking another carrot at charlie,

"Cut it out, Blondie!" Charlie exclaims. 

"What time is dinner over?" I say, drawing all eyes onto me. I can feel my cheeks heat up but I ignore it, taking a bite of apple pie. 

"Uh.. 7," Cas says, glancing at the clock. "It's 6:45." 

I nod, "Could you take me to get blankets and pillows in a minute?" I say, looking directly at him, I try to make puppy eyes at him but with the bags under my eyes I know it probably looks horrible. 

"Sure.." I nod in reply and go back to eating my pie, the other teens look at me skeptically before continuing their conversation. 

"Let's go," I stand and grab my tray, pushing my chair in and heading towards a trash can. 

After throwing away what was left of my dinner and putting the tray on a sheet of lamented paper reading 'trays here, please!' I walk beside cas and out of the cafeteria. 

"Sorry... I couldn't handle it anymore." I say as soon as we're out into the hallway. "I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have dragged you away from them... God, I'm so stupid, I'm sorry.. I should have just said I needed to go the bathroom," I said in a hurry, leaning against the wall outside the cafeteria doors and covering my face with my hands. 

"It's alright, Dean.. calm down," When I didn't look up cas grabbed my face gently, cupping my jaw and pulling my face up, "It's okay, it's alright, sweetheart. You didn't do anything wrong." 

My brain short circuits at the word 'sweetheart' but I recover quickly, 

"I'm sorry, I just-" 

"I know," he says, dropping his hand, "it's alright, Let's go get your blankets and we can talk more." 

"Okay.." I mutter weakly, following him to Meg's office. I wait outside while he goes into grab something. 

He comes out with a key, "For the supply closet," He explain, leading me towards a door. 

He unlocks it quickly, standing back, "The blankets are thin so I'll give you a couple... How many pillows do you want?" He asks while grabbing a few blankets off a pile, 

"Two, please." His lip lifts cutely, 

"Alright," he hands me the blankets and grabs two pillows and a fitted sheet. "Let's go to your room," 

It takes a few seconds for what he said to kick in, by then we're already standing in front of my door. "Uh.. is that allowed?" 

He just shrugs in response, opening my door and letting me walk in first. "We're just talking," 

I squint at his words and walk over to my bed. I take the fitted sheet and stretch it over the small bed. I feel his eyes on me and I immediately feel embarrassed, he can probably see my fat, ugly body through my sweatshirt. 

I throw the pillows at the top of the bed and carefully put the blankets over the sheet, 

Cas sits down at the end of my bed when I'm finished making it. 

"Wanna talk about it now?" He asks when I sit on the bed next to him. 

"Do I have to do group therapy today?" 

"You should.." he trails off, looking over at me sweetly. 

"I don't wanna, it's... A lot.." 

He nods in understanding. "I'll be there, it'll be alright, Dean. Nobody is gonna judge you either, they all have similar problems." 

I sigh, biting my lip and looking down. "Okay." 

"It's brief, don't worry, the spotlight won't be on you.." I nod, feeling a little better. 

I glance over at him, he's sitting close to me on the small bed, his eyes are bright blue under the florescent lights. 

He opens his mouth to say something when there's a knock at the door, 

"Dean, it's group therapy time." 

"Coming," I say, without looking away from his eyes. 

Once I hear footsteps retreating down the hallway I stand, not waiting for Cas before walking to the door, pulling it open and heading down the hallway to the recreation room. 

People are sitting in random spots around the room, the TV's are off and all the games from earlier are put away. I wait for Cas to sit, knowing I wanted to sit close to him. 

He sits next to a black haired nurse, I sit next to him in a hard plastic chair, looking sheepishly around the room and shaking my leg. 

"Let's start, shall we?" Cas says, looking around at the teens and letting his eyes stop at me. "Let's go around the room and give one pro and one con about today, and how you could change that con to something a little more positive." I let my eyes roll at that, Cas is cute and all but he's still a therapist, which for me, a suicidal teenager, is a turn off, "I'll start: a pro is I got to meet Dean here, a con is I forgot my coffee at home this morning... Maybe it was a good thing I left my coffee because I have a bit of a caffeine addiction," 

Cas pauses, looking around at everyone again, "What about you, Hannah?" He asks the nurse sitting next to him, 

"Well, a pro would be I got a puppy, the con would be my dog had a litter of 10 puppies," a few people laugh causing her to smile, "but maybe it's a good thing my dog had puppies because now it'll grow up and my dog will have a friend." 

A few more people give their pros and cons, I listen intently, interested in other's lives. 

Next it was Charlie's turn, she was sitting with Benny and Jo on a couch next to where I'm at with cas, "A pro would be.. I ate a fear food today and didn't have a panic attack.. a con would be.. it was 368 calories," she takes a deep breath, slight fear in her eyes, "but maybe... It's a good thing because.." she sighs shakily again, as if her words caused her physical pain, "I need to gain weight, as the doctors say," 

"And we're proud of you, Charlie." cas says from beside me, smiling at her sympatheticly. 

She nods while giving a sad smile. 

"What about you, Benny?" Hannah asks as Benny pats charlie on the back, 

"Umm.. a pro would be I didn't have a nightmare last night... A con would be... Nobody came to visit me today, but I don't really wanna see any of my family members so I guess it's not really a con," 

I feel anxiety creep into my stomach when I realize it was almost my turn, I start thinking quickly, not wanting to make a fool of myself when my turn came. 

"Pro: Nothing triggered a panic attack today, con: I slept 8 minutes last night... But at least I didn't have a nightmare," Jo says, not really caring about the activity, 

Cas makes a disapproving noise from beside me but doesn't say anything, 

Suddenly all eyes are on me. 

"Dean?" As soon as I hear my name my anxiety jumps, my hands start to shake and I can hear my heart in my chest, 

"Uhm..uh," I stutter, my face burning in embarrassment..

"It's alright," Cas urges, putting his hand on the back of my chair. 

"A uh.. pro.. is," I take a deep breath, trying to get rid of the anxiety... "I got to leave the hospital today," I look around at all the eyes, "a con... I have to stay here but... I need help so... It's okay." I say, my teeth clicking shut audibly. 

"Very good, Dean." Cas says, almost triggering my praise kink... Almost. "You all did great today! I'm looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Have fun with your free time." He says, dismissing everyone and standing up. 

The anxiety still clouds my chest. I feel extremely embarrassed about what happened but I try to ignore it, debating on going to my room and going to sleep super early or staying out here with everyone I just embarrassed myself in front of..

I could always go to the spare room with the piano but they'd probably need me supervised with that and I'd rather not show someone my music right now.

After everyone goes back to their rec activities cas comes to me, grinning lightly. "Did you have a good day, Dean?" He asks, stepping into the hallway with me. 

"Uh.. sure.. I'm still nervous but I'm... Alright..." 

He nods in understanding, "I won't be here to escort around tomorrow but I'll come see you whenever I can... Seeing how severe your anxiety is.." 

"Do I have to... Join everyone?" I ask, looking towards the room. 

"I'd like you to but you don't have to..." 

"Are you going home?" I ask, looking down and feeling suddenly sad. 

"I try to stay around a little bit to make sure all my patients are alright before heading out... I can stay for a little bit if you like?" 

I nod, looking at him sadly, "Yes, please... I'm sorry... You probably want to get home to your wife.." 

He huffs a sad laugh, "I'm not married, Dean.. and I'd rather stay to make sure you're alright..." 

How the fuck is this fucking Adonis not married?? 

"Thank you.." I pause, "I'm sorry." I say again, cringing at myself. 

"It's no problem." 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: my kink is chubby!Dean, Sue me! (Or maybe I shouldnt say that because you actually might)... Thats a reference, I love you if u get it...  
> ANYWAY!  
> the newest chapter (after this) has taken a lot more time than expected so this one is a little late, hope you enjoyed tho..  
> It won't be a (excruciatingly) slow build btw, I hate those ;)  
> Adios


	5. The First Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes! :))

-Dean POV-

After Cas went home I went in my room, overwhelmed with the amount of people here. 

I took a shower and laid on my bed, not having much to do in that cold, quiet room. 

I heard occasional laughter and loud talking from the rec room and it made me more nervous. 

I stayed up all night in my room, waiting to relax until I heard people going to bed at 10:30.

Someone came and checked on me every hour, as Cas said. It was a little annoying but I just pretended to be asleep. A part of me wishes I had a roommate but then again they'd probably just be annoyed by me. 

I waited until someone came in and told me it was breakfast to actually get up, I hadn't slept but I'd been laying on that death trap they called a bed for hours and everything hurts. 

I hastily decide to wear a short sleeved shirt and jeans. I put on simple black ankle socks and my flip flops, knowing I didn't have any other goddamn shoes and they'd probably take them if I did. 

After applying deodorant, brushing my teeth, and combing my fingers through my hair I head for the cafeteria. 

People were more quiet in the morning that at dinner, I noticed.

I didn't usually eat breakfast so I just grab an orange and a bottle of water and go to sit with Charlie. 

"Hey, Dean!" Charlie's ecstatic voice says as I sit down, 

"Hey..uh.. how was your night?" I ask, trying to sound like a normal person and not a ball of anxiety. 

"It was fun! We played Monopoly, you should have stayed up," she grins at me, I feel a twinge of jealous at that, I try to ignore it, knowing my anxiety wouldn't have let me enjoy myself even if I had stayed with them. 

"I was just... Tired.." She raises her eyebrow at me. 

"You don't have to lie around us, we understand." She says, gesturing to Jo and Benny, who look up from their food confused. 

I nod in reply and start peeling my orange, 

"You should join us at recreation later, I promise we won't make you talk or anything.." Jo says, drawing my attention. 

"I..uh," I stop, I know I should but it's gonna make me severely anxious for the rest of the day.. "sure." Dammit, why can I not say no?

Charlie and Jo beam at me, "Great!" Charlie says, picking up a muffin off her tray and putting it on Jo's, 

"What usually happens in therapy?" I ask, waiting a few beats, 

"What do you mean?" Charlie asks, Benny looks up at me but doesn't say anything, I figure he probably has anxiety issues too. 

"Well, I've never been... What does Cas usually ask about?" 

Jo smirks, putting her head down, "it depends why you're here. Usually me and him talk about food and feelings." Charlie replies, shrugging. 

"I'm nervous." I admit, my voice quiet. "What if he makes me stay?" 

My new friends look confused, Jo lifts her head off the table and squints at me, "You're not here to stay?" She asks. 

"Nah, I'm only staying for 2 more days... Unless Novak says otherwise." 

The other 3 kids look envious, "Wow... Lucky." Jo says, suddenly pouting, "I've been here for 23 days." 

I let my eyes widen momentarily. "Oh." Flashes of anxiety runs through my stomach, the thought of staying here terrifying to me. "I'm sorry." 

Jo waves me off before shoving the muffin Charlie gave her into her mouth. 

"My therapy sessions are basically just me avoiding all the questions Cain asks." Jo says,"Cains my therapist. He works with the 'Extremely troubled teens' aka: me." She follows up with a shrug, picking off a piece of muffin. "I doubt you'll meet him, he usually doesn't leave his office." 

I nod thoughtfully while popping a slice of orange into my mouth. What if I tell Cas how I feel and he transfers me to Cain? I'm not exactly easy to deal with... 

"Don't worry. Novak wouldn't dare give you up to Cain," Jo snickers, 

"What are you implying?" I ask, squinting at her. 

"Well, the only person he let's call him 'Cas' is Meg... So you must be at least a little special." Jo replies, 

Her statement makes me conflicted, I don't know wether to be jealous he let's Meg call him that or happy he lets me... Rationally I should just ignore it and go back to calling him Novak, maybe he only let's me call him cas because he doesn't wanna correct me in fear of upsetting me. 

"Besides TV and board games what else happens during recreation time?" I say, trying to ignore the whole thing. 

"Sometimes some will have a breakdown..." Charlie answers, "Besides that there's not much... It's not boring though," she says in a rush, "well, there is a piano but nobody knows how to play." 

"Would I need supervision to use it?" 

"Do you play?" Benny asks, saying something for the first time today. 

"Uh...yeah." 

Suddenly the table is silent, I feel my hands start to sweat so I just duck my head and eat another piece of orange. 

"That's so cool! How long have you been playing?" Jo asks, leaning her forearms on the table. 

"Uh.. only a little while.. 2 years maybe. I'm not good though.." 

"We'll be the judge of that!" Charlie says, starting to stand up. 

"RECREATION TIME," A nurse yells, drawing everyone's attention. 

"Perfect timing!" Jo says, going with charlie to throw their trays away. I wait for them to walk ahead of me to get up and throw my orange peel and now empty water bottle away.

I try not to let my nerves get the best of me but of course they do. My hands shake slightly and my stomach starts hurting. I know they won't be as understanding as Cas was when I played for him, he's a shrink, it's his job to be understanding. 

Charlie and Jo are standing by the tray station, chatting amongst themselves and waiting for me. when I'm done throwing my orange peels away. A short blonde haired boy was giving me weird looks while I do this, I don't know why though, I'm not doing anything odd.

"Come on, Dean!" Jo says, grabbing one of my arms. She stops when she feels the bumps of old scars on it. My anxiety spikes, before she has a chance to let go of it I pull it away lightly and clear my throat. 

She looks mildly shocked, I don't know why she would be though, we're literally in a mental hospital, I bet there's a ton of people here with scars for the same reason...

"Sorry.." she mutters, uncharacteristically quiet. I nod, not verbally replying. 

"Go to the rec room," a nurse orders, gesturing for us to walk. 

Charlie sits down on one of the couches, leaving room for Jo. Charlie didn't see what happened, she has a confused look on her face but doesn't comment. 

Jo sits next to charlie, looking a bit embarrassed. I sit on a bean bag chair on the floor, Benny is nowhere in sight. 

We sit in silence, listening to people get out board games and flip through channels on the TV. 

"Are we... Gonna go to the spare room or...?" Charlie asks, still confused. 

"Uh.." I look at Jo, who doesn't meet my eye. It makes me feel bad. It's my fault, I should have worn a sweatshirt. "Sure... Do we need a supervisor?" 

Charlie shrugs, looking through the nurses, "Ugh, All the nurses today suck... Wait, he's not so bad, come with me." 

I stand up with charlie, Jo stays seated and watches us go up to a generic looking guy with strong cheekbones. 

"Heyy, Ketch! Would you be a doll and come supervise us in the spare room?" Charlie asks, smiling wide. 

"Why are you asking me?" Ketch says in a heavy British accent. 

"You're the best nurse working right now, please come with us," 

"Fine," he sighs, turning to a red haired woman, "I'm gonna go take a few people to the spare room," she nods, not really paying attention to him. 

Charlie waves at Jo, calling her over. 

Ketch walks ahead of us, pulling a ring of keys off his waistband and unlocks the door, stepping inside and holding it open. 

It's colder in here than in the rec room, the piano still sits in the middle of the room, untouched. I walk over to it, Jo and charlie behind me.

"Hey, beautiful." I say quietly, running my hand along the base once again. 

As soon as I sit on the bench my anxiety flares, it makes me wanna roll my eyes but I ignore the urge and ready my hands on the keys. 

Charlie walks over and sits next to me on the bench, Jo stands in front of it, leaning her arms on the lid. 

Ketch stays close to the door, leaving it open. I know nobody would hear me play in the rec room because of the amount of people talking but the thought of drawing attention made me even more nervous. 

I press my fingers into the keys, talking deep breaths to try to calm my nerves. 

After a few notes charlie speaks up, "Beth by kiss, right?" She asks,

I nod, my hands starting to shake, I glance down at my wrists and realize my scars are visible, I pull my hands from the keys quickly, pushing my arms into my soft stomach. 

"I can't.." I tell her, looking sad. 

She nods, looking disappointed. I sigh at the look and put my fingers on the keys again, pressing lightly..

I hum along for a second, trying to ignore the nurse in the room. 

Charlie hums with me, grinning when I glance over at her. My face is still burning and anxiety flares in my stomach but I keep going, trying to make it through the whole song. 

"That sounds great," Cas' deep voice booms through the room. 

I Immediately pull my hands away and look at him with wide eyes. He's standing next to Jo in front of the piano, he's wearing his thick black glasses and holding a clipboard. 

"I- uh.." 

"It's almost time for you therapy session... Rowena told me where you guys where." 

I nod, taking a shakey breath. 

"We're gonna go back," charlie says, giving Jo a pointed look. 

"Oh... Alright." I say, watching them leave. 

Cas walks around the piano and sits on the bench next to me. I look shyly at him, he grins at me, lifting a finger to press down on the G note. 

"How was your night?" He asks, 

"It was... Okay," 

"Meg told me you went to your room after I left... Why is that?"

"I was overwhelmed." 

He nods, sitting up slightly to grab a clip board off the lid of the piano. 

"I thought we could talk about your family and your attempt today." I sigh deeply in response, glancing back down at the keys my fingers rest on, "We don't have to if you're not comfortable.." 

"No, I'm fine... Ask your questions.." 

He throws me a worried look, "Alright," Cas glances down at the clipboard, readying his pen. "Do you still have those bad thoughts?" 

I want to roll my eyes again but instead I just shrug, "Of course..." 

"Of course?" Cas asks, 

"Just because I tried to... I still feel that way. Almost dying doesn't change that." 

Cas furrows his eyebrows and writes what I said down, "Do you plan on... trying again?" If I was a wiser man I'd say Cas sounded sad, knowing I'm only a patient and he doesn't truly care about me makes me push the thought away, 

"I.. hadn't thought about it," I admit, looking down. "I thought... When I woke up... That it was a mistake," he raises his eyebrows at me, "Not dying.." I say to clarify, "but I've been.. distracted and hadn't had the chance to think about that, I guess."

"How long did you plan the first attempt?" 

"A few weeks I think... It wasn't an impulsive decision, I'd been thinking about... That... For a while, just needed a time and how to do it." 

"I noticed you don't refer to it directly... Are you ashamed to admit you tried to take your own life?" 

"Wouldn't you be?" I say, slightly offended. 

"I was." He replies, looking right into my eyes. 

"You...?" I ask quietly, 

"When I was younger... Yes. I felt ashamed... Like what I did was abnormal, nasty. As I grew I came to realize how many people felt the same way I did. Trying to take my own life was a mistake, but not because of the way I felt, more because of how I used it as a coping mechanism." He pauses, his eyes searching my face. "Are you ashamed?" 

I look away and bite the inside of my cheek, not being able to meet his eyes as I nod. 

"Why?" He asks softly, brushing his finger tips over my knuckles. Physical contact usually makes me nervous but he just calms me, as usual. 

"As you said, I feel nasty. How could I be so selfish?" I suck in a breath, before shaking my head. "I tried to kill myself because of daddy issues and rude teenage boys... People have real problems and don't even consider suicide." 

I glance over at Cas. His face is scrunched up, he looks like an angry kitten. "Your problems are not trivial, Dean..." He pauses, "It's okay to feel ashamed... We can work on those feelings..." 

I shrug, looking down again. 

"How is your self esteem? How do you feel about yourself?" 

"Wow, loaded question, Cas." I say after a few seconds. I look back up at him and rub the back of my neck. "I- uh, Well, I clearly don't like myself, I guess." 

Cas furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head, "Why not?" 

I shrug again, "Many reasons, buddy, can we talk about something else?" 

"Sure.. would you like to talk about some in particular?" 

"I don't know... Let's talk about you," I say anxiously causing Cas to smile a little, I give a small, sad smile back.

"What do you wanna know?" He asks playfully.

"How old are you?" I ask, blushing wildly. Cas chuckles in response. 

"27," he says smiling softly. 

"What do you do for fun?" 

"Well, I don't do much considering how often I work but I keep bees, I hang out with my siblings... I read a lot and write sometimes." 

"You...keep bees?" I ask,

He grins at me, "Yes, they are very important to the environment and they're amazing creatures." 

I nod, "Do you...haveagirlfriend?" I ask quickly, picking at my nails. 

"No, I don't." He says firmly while still smiling. 

"So... A boyfriend?" I look at him hopefully from under my eyelashes, 

"I'm single, Dean." 

"How?" I say, a bit shocked.

"How?" He repeats, raising his eyebrows. 

"...nevermind." 

When he opens his mouth to comment I press my fingers into the piano keys, starting to play let it be by The Beatles. 

I can feel his eyes on my blushing face as I play, my hands shaking as usual. 

"Are you close with your father?" He asks, leaving a sour taste in my mouth, my hands start shaking even more, making me wanna stop playing but I keep going, trying to drag it out. 

"No." I wanna leave it at that but of course, it's his job to keep going. 

"Where you close with your mother?"

No, Cas." I say, pulling my hands from the keys and turning to look him in the eyes. "I'm close with Sammy. That's it." 

He nods, looking down. He's quiet for a moment, his eyes locked on my hands.

...or maybe not my hands. 

I glance down where his eyes are pointed, and for the second time today somebody is looking at my scars and stitches. 

I press my arms into my stomach again, looking uncomfortably at him. "...I'm sorry, Dean." He says when he meets my eyes, "I didn't mean to-" 

"It's okay," I say, cutting him off. "Are we almost done?" I ask, wanting to go back into my room and grab a sweatshirt. 

"Not really..." I groan in response, turning to look at him,

"I don't wanna talk today, Cas." I say, giving him puppy eyes and pushing out my bottom lip subty, I know I'm no where near 'cute' but I'm really trying to get out of therapy so don't judge me! 

He looks around my face, stopping briefly at my lips before sighing deeply, "Alright, what would you like to do instead?" He asks. 

"I dunno..." I pause, "I wanna go to my room and grab a hoodie real quick of that's.. alright," he nods, standing from the piano bench and stretching, his infamous happy trail coming into view. his outfit is similar to yesterday's, a simple gray shirt and black jeans. 

I say nothing but stay seated, he looks down at me after stretching and clears his throat, gesturing for me to walk to the door, 

I stand from the bench and walk beside him out of the room, Ketch apparently left when Jo and charlie did. 

I hadn't noticed. 

"I can't remember if I thanked you but...Thanks for the pie yesterday... It made my day a lot better," I say before grinning lightly at him. 

"Anytime," 

It doesn't take long to walk to room 103, I step inside and hold the door open for Cas this time. I know I'm probably not allowed to have him in my room again but he doesn't comment on it so I guess it's not a big deal. 

He stands in front of the door while I grab my hoodie, it's a simple grey, over the head hoodie, I pull it on quickly, feeling immediately relieved to have my ugly body and scars covered. 

"When do you get your stitches out?" Cas asks causing my anxiety to jump, 

"Uh... I'm guessing they dissolve because my doctor didn't say anything about that," I reply shakily, Cas hums in response. 

"What would you like to do for the rest of our session?" He asks, still standing near the door of my room. 

"Can we just.. talk in here?" I ask, trying to give him puppy eyes again. 

"We aren't really allowed to," he starts, making me pout and blush, "but... As I said yesterday, we are just talking..." 

My impulsive decision makes my anxiety start up at full force, I just nod and go to sit on top of my blankets. 

Cas sits across me on the plastic green mattress. I bite my lip and shift my eyes away from his,

"What do you wanna be when you get older?" Cas suddenly asks, breaking the silence in the excruciatingly empty room. 

I look over at him, "I dunno, I always thought I'd be dead by now..." 

He nods in understanding, putting his hands on the matress and leaning his weight on his arms, "I thought the same thing, after I recovered though, I realized I wanted to help people, maybe you'll have a similar revaluation when you recover." He says it so confidently it almost physically hurts. 

"I don't think I'll recover," I say with a bitter laugh,

"You never know," he trails off, his pretty eyes looking into my dull ones. 

"I don't wanna live as me... My life sucks, everything about me sucks. What's the point in trying to make a shitty person better if they wanna go? Just let them." 

"You're not a bad person." He replies softly, standing up and squatting on the floor next to me on the bed. 

"You met me two days ago, you don't. even know me.." I say, not meeting his eyes. 

"I can tell. I've met bad people and that's not the vibe you're giving out." He says softly, trying to get me to look at him. 

"It's your job to say that." 

"No, Dean.." he pauses, reaching up and placing his index and middle finger under my squishy chin to try to get me to meet his eyes. I reluctantly pull my eyes off my lap and into his blue ones, "I'm not just saying that, I mean it.. I may not know you very well but I intend to... If you let me." 

"I.." I stutter, not really knowing what to say for what seemed like the 80th time today. 

"Off the record. During our therapy sessions is different. I wanna know you, not your illness." 

"...I guess... I'm so boring and annoying, you wouldn't like me." 

He shakes his head, still holding my chin with his two fingers, "I'll be the judge of that."

I smile shyly and shrug, looking down again. 

"That's adorable." He says almost inaudibly, nudging my chin up a little before removing his hand. 

"No, 'm gross." I mutter, just as quietly.

"No, you're beautiful." He says a little louder.

I snort unattractively, shaking my head once again, Cas stares at me for a second, he doesn't look like he plans to reply before there's a knock at the door. 

"Dean?" Hannah's voice says, through the door. "Are you in there?" 

"Uh," I clear my throat, "Yeah." 

Cas stands from the floor. 

"It's group activity," 

"Alright," I reply, once again waiting for hesitant footsteps to make their way back to the rec room before walking to the door and opening it. I let Cas out first again, waiting for him to walk through before stepping beside him and letting the door shut behind me. 

"What happens in group activity?" I ask, unsure of what to expect. 

"Right now we're doing an art competition, you'll join someone's group and help out with whatever project they've decided on. The winner gets to pick the next group activity.. theres 3 groups, one for painting, one for music, and one for sculptuing," I hum thoughtfully. I remember Charlie mentioning someone named "Gilda" being good at painting in her activity.

"What group are you in?" I ask, turning to Cas. 

His lips curl, "Music." 

I nod, immediately knowing what group I'd join. I would join Charlie's but I love music and Cas is the only person I'm really comfortable with here. 

"I'll join yours.." I say, not looking at him but still walking beside him towards the spare room. 

"Alright," I see his smile widen from the corner of my eye but I don't comment on it, 

He stops abruptly as we walk in front of the rec room door, "Music group, let's go," he says in his beautifully deep voice, still smiling and gesturing for the patients to come to the door. 

There's some people I don't know, I can't remember their names from group therapy yesterday but I recognize their faces, In total it's only about 3 patients in each group not counting the therapist assigned to lead the groups. 

There's light chatter between two patients as we walk down the hallway, Cas leading the way. 

He pulls a lanyard out if his pocket and unlocks the door, I walk inside behind Cas first, trying to stay close to him. 

"Okay, yesterday we got to picking a song to play in front of everyone." He pauses, turning to me, "They decided imagine by John Lennon. A classic." I nod, looking around at everyone. "Today we have to decide how were gonna make the music." 

"I can play it on piano," I say quietly, not trying to draw everyone's attention. 

Of course it does. One girl smiles really wide and claps, bouncing on her toes. 

"Are you sure you're okay with playing it with everyone watching?" Cas asks, still looking at me. 

"Not everyone will be paying attention to me if someone is singing.." I try to convince myself. I really wanna play in front of more people and this may be the only chance I'll ever get. 

"I'll guess you're right.." Cas trails off, "let's picks who's singing what and we'll see if you can play with just us."

I nod and look down, not wanting to catch anyone's eye. 

"One minute," Cas says, holding up a finger and walking out of the room. 

He comes back quickly with a clipboard with a piece of paper on it and pen. 

"I was thinking everyone could sing a lyric from the beginning and then come together at the chorus." Cas clicks the pen open and writes something down, "Who wants the first lyric?" 

Nobody says anything as Cas looks around, "What if I sing the first lyric?" He says, smiling slightly at everyone's impassive face. "Alright we'll go with that, who's next?" 

"I'll do it!" The girl who clapped a few minutes ago says, raising her hand and smiling just as wide as before. 

"Okay, hael, you can have 'imagine all the people living for today.'" She nods enthusiastically, grinning at me. 

"Who's next?" 

After everyone (except me) has an assigned lyric Cas finally turns to me. "You want the last one before we all sing together?" 

He grins so sweetly at me I can't so no, "okay.." 

"It's 'Imagine all the people, living life in peace," he says after a few moments of thinking through the lyrics. 

"Alright," I say quietly, 

"does everyone remember their line?" Cas asks, turning to the other 3 patients. 

When they nod Cas replies with, "Alright, should we try out the first part?" 

"Yes!" Hael says, looking at me again. 

"I'll get behind the piano.." I say to Cas, not waiting for a response before walking over to it and sitting on the bench. 

"Start whenever.." Cas says, coming to stand closer to the piano. 

"Alright," I say, my hands starting to shake as soon as I press my fingers into the opening keys. 

After a few seconds Cas starts, "Imagine there's not heaven.." he sings softly, it's a bit off tune but the deep rasp of his voice makes it sound amazing... To me at least. "It's easy if you try.. no hell below us... Above us only sky." I assume he gestures to hael as she starts. 

Her line is soft and flowly, it almost makes me jealous I can't sing like that. "Imagine all the people, living for today..." 

Next a short asian boy goes, I think his name is Kevin but I could be wrong, "imagine there's no country, it isn't hard to do..." His voice is unique, something I've never heard, but not bad..

Focusing on everyone's voice helps me, knowing nobodys actually listening somehow makes me feel better?

"Nothing to kill or die for.. and no religion too," a blonde boy with scruff on his face sings, his voice cracks in the middle and his notes are uneven and loud. He's the first person who really couldn't sing well. 

I feel my anxiety come back at full force when I realize it's my line. 

"Uh... Imagine all the people.." I drag out, my voice sounding terrible to my own ears. "Living life in peace.." I let out a Shakey breath as soon as my lines over and jump to the end of the song, letting the silence settle instead of ending abruptly. 

"That was great!" Cas says enthusiastically, "we'll win for sure!" 

Hael giggles and steps over to the piano. 

"Do you guys wanna go again or move on to the all together part?" Cas asks, looking around at everyone. 

"Let's go again," Kevin? Says, causing the blonde boy to nod in agreement. 

This isn't as bad as I thought. 

-

The rest of the day was uneventful. Cas had appointments after lunch and until dinner so I mainly stayed with charlie, listening to her gossip with Jo about little things. I'd barley seen Benny all day but I assumed he was in his room, letting the day play out without him. 

Charlie and Jo hasn't mentioned him, nor made any comments about his absence so I'm also assuming he needs alone time often. 

Charlie introduced me to a few people during recreation when Jo had to go to therapy with Cain. The blonde boy who was staring at me throwing away an orange peel this mornings name is Alfie and he has a disorder called 'paranoia', he told me off the bat he may be a bit rude once in a while but it's just because his mind is telling him I'm someone he shouldn't trust. 

Another person was a pretty girl named Gilda, Charlie told me to 'play it cool,' before we headed over there. I'd heard about Gilda very briefly when I first came here yesterday. Charlie was very.. odd around her. She blushed frequently and stuttered through her words. I soon realized she has a crush, I decided not to comment on it as we went to the next person. Gilda acted a little odd but I ignored it, remembering where I was. 

The last person Charlie introduced me to was Kevin, confirming his name was actually what I thought it was. 

After she introduced me we started a game of go fish, we couldn't agree on playing poker or garbage so we went with the default game, 

"HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" Benny's voice comes from down the hallway, "YOU CAN'T HELP ME!" 

I look over at charlie, my eyebrows furrowed in worry, "It's normal, he's just having an episode, don't worry," I don't know what that means but I nod, my eyebrows still furrowed. 

I try to ignore his yelling, turning back to my cards. "Do you have a-" 

"FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE!" His voice continues to boom, one of the nurses in the rec room decided to go help the doctors, leaving their spot by the TV and heading down the hallway to the rooms. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

My hands start to shake as the screaming continues, "Dean?" Charlie asks, noticing my blatantly obvious anxiety, "do you need me to get a nurse?" Her voice becomes numb to my ears, I can feel the telltale signs of an oncoming panic attack, the nurses probably won't let me go to my room at the end of the hallway with Benny freaking out in the middle of it.

"Hannah!" Charlie says, calling the nurse over. 

"No, no, no, no," I whisper, remembering the night my dad snapped and beat my mom up for the first time. 

The night was like any other, we'd just gotten back from my grandparents house and my dad had a little to much to drink. My mom drove 5 year old Sammy and I home, my dad drunkly insulting her the entire way home. 

When we pulled into the driveway she told Sam and I to go to our rooms, giving me the key to unlock the front door. 

She helped dad out of the car and up the front steps to the house. I made Sammy take his shoes off by the door and grabbed his hand to drag him to our shared bedroom, 

Of course, we didn't get there in time. Mom was trying to help him to bed but he didn't wanna go, he slammed his hand down on her cheekbone and started yelling, 

"Dean?" A nurse asks softly, putting her hand on my shoulder, 

"No, no..." I mutter back, starting to hyperventilate. "Dad.." 

My vision flashes with my mom getting hit and my dad screaming. She's on the floor now, trying to crawl away from him.. Sam is hiding behind my legs.

"Don't.." I say, directing it towards John... but of course- it's not real. 

It's not real. It's not real. 

I repeat those three words, over and over, trying to pull myself from the flash back. 

"Dean, it's okay," A soft voice says through the screaming. 

"Don't hurt her..." I trail off, continuing my muttering. 

"Dean... You're alright, it's not real."

I peel my eyes apart, not realizing I had even closed them and was met with the sight of excruciatingly pretty blue orbs. 

"..huh..?" The screaming had stopped, Charlie was sitting across from me still at the table where we were playing go fish, looking scared. "I... I'm sorry.." I whisper to her, my eyes starting to water. "Cas," I whisper even quieter. 

He's squatting on the floor next to my legs. "It's alright, Dean." He brings his hand up to my leg and squeezes my calf, "Do you wanna go to my office and talk?" 

I shake my head, bringing my hand up to wipe drying tears, "Don't you have other patients, they're more important than me, I'm okay." 

"If you need to talk we can. I don't have another appointment for a little bit." 

"What about Benny?" 

"He's in isolation until he calms down.." 

I wait a few beats before muttering "Okay," he smiles in response, standing and holding his hand out to help me stand. "Sorry, Charlie.." I say again, looking down. 

"It's okay, Dean... I'll be here." She replies, giving a soft sad smile. 

I smile back just as sadly, turning my eyes to Cas, "Would you prefer going to my office or the spare room?" He asks,

"Uh...you pick," I can still feel the remaining signs of a panic attack running through my veins, my hands still shook, anxiety still coursed, and my heart was still heard beating loudly in my ears. 

"It'll be easier to go to the spare room, come on," Cas says simply, gesturing for me to walk ahead. 

I keep my head down, avoiding the stares of the other patients as I walk. I know I shouldn't be ashamed for having an outburst but I've never done it in front of anyone nevertheless a group of people. 

Cas pulls his infamous lanyard from his pocket and unlocks the door, holding it open for me and closing it behind himself. 

I ignore the piano and slide down the wall beside it, pulling my knees and my chest and sighing loudly. 

"It's alright, sweety.." Cas says softly, seeming to appear beside me instantly. 

"It's not... I'm so embarrassing..." I say more to myself than him, 

"Panic attacks happen all the time, Dean.. there's nothing to be ashamed of," he pauses, sitting down on the ground in front of me. "You wanna talk about it?" 

"That's what we came in here for, isn't it?" 

He shrugs, picking at a thread on his pants, "Well, we don't have to... I just thought you'd wanna go somewhere quiet to calm down... And I didn't want you to go in your room alone while you're upset.." 

I nod, once again feeling ashamed he knows how self destructive my stupid ass brain is. 

"Does it happen often?" 

"Not really... Benny's yelling kind of.. triggered it, I guess."

"What did you see?" He asks curiously after nodding in understanding..

"It was from the night my dad first... hit my mom," I reply softly, looking down. 

"I'm sorry.." he whispers back, frowning. "Nobody should have to go through that.." 

"I'm okay now, Cas..." He gives me a disbelieving look and puts his hand on my knee. "I just... wish I didn't have to relive it... I know they're just flashbacks but they're so.. real," 

"I can teach you to cope with them, the first step is realizing they're a flashback and not real so we can work with you already knowing that." 

"Alright.." I say quietly, still feeling embarrassed about making a scene in the rec room. 

"How are you feeling today?"

"I... was okay, before... The flash back."

"Is there anyway I can make the rest of your day better?" He asks, leaning towards me slightly. 

Of course, as soon as he says this dirty images of us pop into my head. I imagine Cas taking me into his mouth and groaning lowly, the vibrations sending shivers down my spine. Unsurprisingly it makes my cock twitch, I choose to ignore it and answer Cas' question. 

"Uh... Just stay with me until you have another appointment if guess.." 

"I can do that," he replies in a low voice, a smile stretching his lips. 

The same lips I just imagined around me cock. 

"Cool," I mutter, looking at his gummy smile. 

"What would you like to do?" He asks, his eyes looking deeply into mine. 

"...Do you know how to play chess?" I ask after a few beats. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: hope you enjoyed!!  
> I was gonna include a blueprint (drawing type thing), if you will, of the patient floor but Everytime I'm reading a fic and the author includes one I get low-key mad bc it's not how I imagined it lol, comment if you want one tho  
> This is long asf you're welcome.  
> I'll update soon ;)  
> Adios


	6. The First Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes :))

-Dean POV-

Dinner went by quickly, Cas went into the kitchen to sit with Gabriel and I stayed with Jo and charlie. Benny was still in isolation but I tried not to let the thought bother me. 

I'm still at dinner currently. I think it's over in 10 minutes but I could be wrong, all the clocks have bars over them to keep the patients having a breakdown from smashing so they're kinda hard to read from far away. 

Kevin decided to join our table at dinner, he didn't eat much but he is more talkative than at group activity.  
Cas' authority must make him nervous... It'd probably make me nervous too, if It didn't turn me on. 

"I swear! My mom made me retake a test every time I got a grade under a B+!" Kevin's loud voice broke my thoughts, "She'd call my teacher and beg her to let me retake it! It was so embarrassing!" He says, snickering and picking at his food. 

"You think that's embarrassing? One time my teacher made me write 'I will not curse in class' like 100 times on the board in front of everyone! I was fucking 14! My mom chewed her ass out and let me transfer after that but it was still traumatizing!" Jo says, laughing along with Kevin. 

"What about you, Dean? Any traumatic school memories?" She says, turning to me. 

My mind flashes with images of azazel kissing me, "Nope, nothing like that." I say, popping the p.

"Oh shit!" Charlie starts, "I just remembered, one time in 5th grade, maybe, I accidently said orgasm instead of organism while reading in class! Everyone laughed! Those fuckers!" Jo snorts loudly, grinning at Charlies smile. 

"That's bad but I think mine is the worst-" 

"Nuh-uh!" Kevin starts, interrupting Jo. 

"Bro! Mine is so bad, shut up!" Jo says back, 

"GROUP THERAPY!" A nurse yells, signifying the end of dinner. 

"I won," Jo says in a sing song voice, standing to throw her tray away. 

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Kevin replies, heading towards the exit of the cafeteria after putting his half way full tray on top of Charlie's without another word. 

"Bitch," Jo mutters playfully, walking beside me and out of the cafeteria after I too, throw my tray away. 

Charlie and Jo sit on one of the couches again, before I have a chance to sit on a beanbag charlie hauls herself up and sits on Jo's lap, 

"Sit next to us, dean!" Charlie says, patting the now empty seat of the couch.

Jo is blushing profusely under charlie but doesn't say anything, 

"Al-alright," I say, sitting softly on the couch next to them. 

Hannah is already sitting in one of the chairs, a chair empty for Cas next to her.

There's light chatter while we wait for Cas, nobody really caring he's not here to start. 

"Sorry," Cas says, as he walks into the rooms and sits down next to Hannah. She smiles at him and looks around at everyone. 

"Let's start, shall we?" He says to Hannah. "Today, I thought we could play a game. I want everyone to take a slip of paper." He starts, turning to face Hannah who hands him a bag of pieces of paper, "And write your biggest fear or insecurity," he continues, handing out paper to everyone, while Hannah hands out pens, "Leave it anonymous and then put it back in this bag." He pauses, letting people write.

I know it's anonymous but it makes my anxiety strike, I glance over at charlie and Jo, Jo has her paper against Charlie's back and is already writing on it. 

This is gonna be the first time I've written something since my suicide note. 

"I'm afraid to die but I wanna escape" I write in my slightly sloppy writing after a few seconds of thinking.

"Fold it and drop it in when you're done," Cas says, 

After everyone puts their papers into the bag Cas starts, "Were gonna read and talk about them," he says simply, reaching in to pull out the first one. 

He unfolds it carefully, "I don't wanna recover." He reads, "I felt the same way when I was recovering... The feeling will go away once you find something to recover for, wether it be yourself or your future..." 

Hannah nods beside him, he hands her the bag to read the next one, "I feel like I can never come out," she reads once she unfolds it, "If you're around the right people they should accept you for who you are... If they don't accept you they're not the right people," she smiles while looking around, briefly catching my eye.

She hands the bag back and crosses her legs. 

"I hate my mind more than I hate my body," Cas reads, taking a second to scratch the scruff on his chin before looking at Hannah for help. 

"Uh," she starts, meeting Cas' eye. "Someday, if you keep up the good work you'll recover and learn to love everything about yourself," she says to nobody in particular. 

Cas nods and smiles, looking over at me. 

Cas hands the bag back once again, "I'm afraid to die but I want to escape," my anxiety jumps at her words, 

"I've heard this many time throughout the years of being a therapist," Cas starts, "It's a common feeling. I don't believe anyone truly wants to die but it's just nobody wants to be here," he gives a sad laugh, looking around quickly, "You don't need to die to escape. You need to find your escape in everyday things, like knitting or... Art..." He pauses, "just don't abuse drugs or alcohol.." Cas adds quickly, his eyes slightly wide. "Once you find a purpose everything will be okay..." 

\- 

After group therapy Cas went into the kitchen with Gabriel again. He said he'd be back to hang out with..everyone for a little while. Now I'm waiting patiently for his return. 

"You wanna play Jenga?" Jo asks, charlie, her, and Kevin went to sit at one of the many tables in the room and I sat alone on the couch still. 

"Uh.. sure," I say, standing up and heading over to the table with her. 

The Jenga tower was already made as I sat down, carefully not touching the table in fear of making it fall over. 

"Can I go first?" Charlie asks as soon as I sit down, without waiting for an answer she reaches over and pulls a block off the tower, 

I notice there's writing on the block but don't bother saying anything. 

This goes on for a while, it finally falls when Cas comes back and scares the shit out of Jo. As soon as she pulls a piece from the tower he speaks up, making her jump.

"Dammit!" She curses, glaring playfully at Cas who lifts his lip in a small smile in response. 

"Wanna play?" Charlie asks, gesturing to the empty seat next to me.

"Sure," he says, pulling the chair out and sitting down. 

"Rebuild the tower, bitch." Charlie says to Jo, Immediately remembering Cas is a therapist and not a patient. She turns to Cas and mutters a quick "Sorry.." as Jo starts building, a scowl on her face. 

"You can go first, Novak." Jo says after she's done. 

He pulls one from the middle and flips it over, reading the writing written on it, "Why are you in the mental hospital?"

"Nuh-uh, we're playing normal Jenga not therapy Jenga, put it on the top," Jo says, Cas opens his mouth to retort but stops when I meet his eyes and shrug. 

"How was everyone's day?" Cas asks while charlie takes her turn. 

"Eh," Charlie mutters in concentration, 

Nobody else responds and I try not to laugh at Cas' kicked puppy face. 

"It was good, Cas.." I say, drawing attention to me. He smiles thankfully back and nods,

After a few turns Cas checks his watch and sighs, "I gotta get going," he says, standing up from his chair. 

I try to keep the disappointed look off my face but I don't succeed. "Dean, come with me for a second." He says, looking down at me. 

I just nod and stand, walking behind him, out of the rec room and into the hallway. 

Without saying anything Cas wraps his arms around my waist. the height difference making me lean on my toes. After a few seconds of not reciprocating the hug he squeezes, getting ready to pull away. 

Hesitantly I wrap my arms around his shoulders and stuff my face into his neck, inhaling his woodsy cologne. 

"You'll be okay..." He mutters, sounding sad. 

Cas pulls away after a few more seconds and looks down at me. "I'll see you tomorrow?" He asks, looking between my eyes. 

"Yeah..." I mutter, a bit confused as to why he hugged me. 

"Have a good night, Dean." I nod and look away, waiting for him to walk towards the elevator to go back into the rec room, the scent of his cologne still slightly present. 

"You alright?" Jo says, smirking, as I sit down a bit dazed. 

"Uh.. yeah, let's continue." I say, feeling anxiety creep into my stomach... "I'm okay," 

-

Charlie went to bed early leaving Jo and I to watch old movies on Disney channel until 10:30. 

After the nurses made everyone go to bed I decided to take a shower... At home I wouldn't be showering so much but I don't want Cas to think I stink or something... 

Not that it matters, he's just Cas...

Yeah... just Cas...

I pick out a light pink shirt and grey basketball shorts to wear after my shower and take them into the bathroom.

I try to ignore the markings and words on the back of the door as I turn the shower on and take my shirt off. 

My body is ugly, as usual. I wonder what Cas' body looks like... The glimpses I've seen weren't... Bad, they were good even. He probably has a huge cock. 

I smirk at the thought and go to remove my pants while the shower continues to heat up. 

I avoid looking at my body after I remove my boxers and step into the shower. 

The water is not as mildly scalding as I'd usually like but I'd take a cold private shower over a perfect temperature public shower any day so I'm not gonna complain to much. 

I wait for my hair to get wet to grab my kids watermelon scented shampoo (don't judge me, all the men's shampoo is either 3 in one or makes me smell like an absolute douchebag.) and dump a glop into my hand before lathering it into my short hair. 

My thoughts go back to Cas as I massage the cheap shampoo into my hair. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him these past few days..

He's so caring.. and not to mention fucking hot. He said he was single, which I don't know how, anyone who dumped him in the past is a fucking moron. If I ever got with him I'd never let him go. 

...I know he would never think of me as anything other than a patient but a guy can dream. 

I can dream of going on a first date with him and ending the night with a kiss. I can dream of getting and giving sloppy handjobs in the back of a dark movie theater. I can dream of taking Cas' dick for the first time.. but ya know... It'll never happen. 

It'll never happen because I'm a depressed piece of trash who tried to kill himself.. nobody wants that, especially someone as great and happy as Cas. 

After rinsing out the shampoo I grab my conditioner, lathering on twice as much as I did the shampoo and trying not think of Cas anymore. 

-

After my shower I put my dirty clothes back into my bag to take home in 2 days and went straight to bed. I'm not particularly tired but I didn't sleep last night, hopefully sleep comes easy. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n:  
> SORRY for how short this is, I've been busy with the holidays and all. The next chapter will be a bit shorter but I'm gonna try to make chapter 8 rly long. 
> 
> During the group therapy parts do you think I should include everyone's response and not just a few people? I don't wanna be annoying lol. 
> 
> Also I'm writing Dean's anxiety based off mine and I know it's very frequent and may seem annoying but it's just how I would feel in those situations. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'll try to update soon :)   
> Adios


	7. The Interlude

-Cas POV-

I knew the second I stepped out of the elevator and saw those bright green eyes I was done for. 

I knew the boy would have me wrapped around his little finger before the week was over.

He was clearly shy, looking away quickly after our eyes met for the first time, doing the same when I smiled at him in the elevator. 

I didn't mind that he stayed stuck to my side the rest of the afternoon after the orientation. I knew how hard it was to function in a new environment when you have severe anxiety. 

He seemed put off by everything happening, angry at being alive, at being here.. 

I want to help him.. I need to..

I want light in his eyes. I wanna see the beautiful green orbs sparkle like stars on the country-side. 

They're dull right now. Little stained green copper pennies, dark and sorrowful.

I can tell he isn't comfortable in his body, he constantly pulls on his shirt and wraps his arms around his stomach, sometimes I think he doesn't notice he does it. 

His name is Dean... it fit him nicely.

-

From what I know, two days in now, Dean has PTSD, obvious suicidal tendencies, and a rather extreme anxiety disorder. 

I don't want him to go home. 

I don't want him to hurt himself. 

I saw his scars, angry white and thick pink lines littering his wrists and I suspect thighs. 

He's rather good at piano, when he plays the light shines through his eyes, its still covered by a thin black film though. 

He seems to he adapting well with communicating with other patients, hopefully staying the night last night broke him out of his shell a little. 

The issue of him going home is still in my mind, I fear him hurting himself more.. or trying to die again. 

I barely know the kid but the thought of him dying... 

I've been talking to Gabriel about what to do, I know he's not a therapist but Cain isn't very social and he's the only other therapist for this floor. 

Gabriel is trying to convince me to just tell Dean I'm not letting him go home but I fear that'll make things worse. It's clear the green eyed boy is trying to trust me and making him stay might break the developing feeling.. 

Of trust... 

Yeah. Trust. Not any other feeling. 

If I'm selfish and let him go home because I don't want him to hate me what if he does kill himself.. I couldn't live with it. With any patient doing that.

It's part of the reason why I became a therapist. Saving people who made the same mistake I did. 

When I was admitted after my suicide attempt when I was younger the nurses and therapists where terribly rude. One nurse even called me crazy, saying "you wouldn't be in here if you weren't." It stung more than the blade ever could. I knew I needed to be there for kids who felt the way I did, especially after doing something as drastic as attempting suicide.

Dean and I probably wouldn't have gotten along if he knew me when i was depressed. All I did was sulk and whine, to this day I know it was rather annoying but the pain in my heart was excruciating, I try not to blame myself for the behavior. 

Dean tries super hard to be normal. holds his head low to not draw attention, keeps quiet, and doesn't show to much emotion. He would have hated me.

I've grown since then, of course, learned how to cope...

I've sat with him and talked in his room twice now and I'm afraid what the nurses would say if they found out. 

Dean didn't seem like the type to trust easily but when he was with me I could see it forming in his eyes. 

I let a few "sweethearts" slip out on accident when I could tell he needed me to comfort him and at first I regretted it but after seeing the pain in his eyes dart down to a dull ache I knew it wasn't a mistake. 

I just hope I don't make the pain worse when I tell him the news...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: IM SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT!! it's just an interlude so I didn't wanna make it really long yknow? Next chapter will be out soon and relatively long, i promise! 
> 
> I also apologize for the wait, I took a break for the holidays ;ppp,,   
> Thanks for reading!   
> Adios


	8. The Storm

-Dean POV- 

I slept the whole night. Wild. 

I, of course, woke to a nurse knocking on my door and saying "breakfast." It was a bit disorienting because I hadn't realized I was even asleep. 

I feel... Nothing today. Well, not nothing. It's a clawing sadness that hurts so much it's numb.. if that makes sense. 

I already knew today was gonna be a long day. 

-

10 minutes into breakfast Lucifer dropped an entire cup of orange juice on the crotch of my pants and the nurses made me go change. 

When I got back the conversation had shifted and I was excluded for the rest of the meal. 

During recreation before therapy Alfie tried to stab a nurse with a plastic knife and get sent isolation. 

Now Cas is late for our appointment... 

Not that I'm complaining, I could never go to therapy again and be perfectly fine... I just like Cas..

As a friend-

"Hey, sorry." Cas starts, walking through the entrance of the rec room. 

"It's alright," I mutter, standing and gesturing for him to go first out of the door. 

Cas, having already grabbed the lanyard from the locker room unlocks the door and steps inside, waiting for me to do the same. 

"Please, sit.." he says, gesturing to the floor and squatting down beside me to sit on his butt. "Today... I.." he starts, looking into my eyes. "I have some.. news," 

I don't like the sound of that, 

"..yeah?" I say after a few seconds. 

"After some consideration, of course.. I think it'd be best if you... stayed here... For a while.." Cas spits out painfully, watching my face drop. 

"What?" I mutter, feeling my heart start to beat wildly in my chest. 

"You're not okay, Dean.." 

I shake my head and start to stand, backing away from him, "I'm fine!" When he opens his mouth to retort I beat him to it, "I'm fine." I repeat, 

"Dean.." He says quietly, "I don't want you to die... You're not okay," 

Tears form dramatically in my eyes, it's almost annoying, "I'm. Fine." 

"Dean... Sit down-" 

"Please, Cas! Don't make me stay... I wanna go home... I promise I won't do Anything... I'm okay," 

Cas shakes his head lightly and stands, "I'm sorry, Sweetheart," 

"Don't call me that!" Cas nods in response, stepping towards me. 

"You only have to stay here until I know you're okay..."

"You.. can't do this, I'm over 18." 

"It doesn't matter... You tried to kill yourself," he says, causing me to close my eyes with a huff, 

"I'm so sick of people saying that! Yes! I tried to kill myself, I wish it would have worked but it fucking didn't! Cut me some goddamn slack." I reply after opening my eyes and immediately realizing my mistake. "It'll happen eventually... Just... Please, don't make me stay..."

There's a pause. A thickness in the air, the silence isn't as deafening as it is inside my temporary bedroom but it's still awful. 

"I'm sorry." He whispers again, letting his shoulders drop. 

"I don't wanna talk today... Can I go to my room?" I ask, looking angrily at a defeated Cas. I wanna feel bad about being rude to him but I really.. REALLY don't wanna fucking stay here. 

"..I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be alone," 

"Please.." I say quickly, looking down at the ground. "I just wanna sleep.." 

"...okay," he says after a few more silent seconds, 

I just nod, turning back towards the door and ball my hands up, pushing my short nails as hard as I can into my palm. 

"I'll come check on you at lunch.." he trails off, instead of responding I rip the door open and walk out, letting my legs move quickly down the hallway and towards my room. 

Thankfully nobody stops me when I shut the door to my room roughly behind me. 

I avoid sliding down the door dramatically and sitting on the floor, instead going to the bed and laying down. 

I kick my shoes off my feet and nudge them off the bed. 

I really wish I could cut. 

I know it would make me feel better. 

I lay in the hard bed for a few minutes, debating going to sleep or not. 

I wish I hadn't been so dramatic with cas... He probably thinks I'm a whiny little bitch now.. 

I just don't wanna leave Sammy with Dad. Knowing how he treats me, I'm scared if I leave Sammy with him long enough john'll start to treat him the same way...

Commiting suicide and leaving him eternally might have done the same thing but being the selfish fuck I am I hadn't cared when I attempted, I knew the second my mind went blank i would never think again, nothing would matter, so what's the point in mulling over what happens in real life after the world goes black for me?

I wish it was blank right now. If I had just succeeded with bleeding the fuck out then maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this utter bullshit right now. 

I know it's Cas' job and I know he cares... professionally for me but it still hurts he would make me stay when i clearly don't wanna be here. 

...but then again, does anyone really wanna be here? 

I wanna be rational and accept what I tried to do but.. the wound, literally and figuratively is still fresh. 

I contemplate this as I stare up at the pure white ceiling, the lights have protective coverings over them. 

I wish I had something... To hurt myself with... The mirror in the bathroom isn't glass so I can't break it and use a piece... not that I would, that would draw attention to me. It's already so quiet in this room I've been tip toeing around to avoid someone knocking on my door and asking me what I'm doing. 

I also thought of trying to rip my stitches out with my nails but it's already healing and doing that would just be nasty. 

I'm just gonna lay here until my back hurts. 

-

I found a nail. 

A short, rusty, sharp nail. 

It took a little while to dig it out of the window frame but it was pretty loose when I found it. 

I couldn't decide if I should actually hurt myself or not.. 

I want to, I really want to... but it would just confirm Cas' theory. I know I'm unstable, okay? I just spent 20 minutes digging a loose nail out of the window frame to hurt myself, I know.. okay? 

What was the point of actually getting the nail if I wasn't gonna use it... Y'know... 

I have to.

I went into the small bathroom to avoid potential confrontation with a nurse. 

The nail isn't as sharp as my razor but it's sharp enough to use... 

In the bathroom, I sit with my back against the closed door. 

It is so silent, I can practically hear my heart beating in my ears. Anxiety is coursing through my veins, I need to do this. 

Instead of pulling my sweatshirt off I roll up my sleeve, exposing my right wrist, the long wound is looking at me angrily, it's slightly bruised around the edges and has already started closing... For some reason it makes me angry. 

My stomach jumps and I press the nail lightly into my arm, avoiding the ugly mark. Instead of driving the nail directly into my vein I use the tip to scratch lines just like I would if I had my razor. 

It doesn't bleed. 

It not bleeding makes me angry. 

A few marks in I press hard, trying to will the blood from my veins to my skin. My vision blurs with tears but I ignore them and continue. 

I'm a failure. Couldn't even kill myself right. I should do it. I should rip my fucking stitches out and bleed to death in this cold, quiet bathroom.

I should. 

I have to.

I can feel my mind slip into a state of fakeness. It's nearly impossible to describe but it feels like I'm on a different planet, one where it's always night and I can't feel physical pain.

My real mind is still floating on a real feeling, reminding me I'm a fat fuck who didn't kill himself right. 

'do it." My mind whispers. 

I... Can't... What about Cas?

He doesn't care about me, who am I kidding? I might as well save myself future heartbreak and just rip my stitches. 

Do it. 

Rip out your stitches. 

DO IT! 

RIP THEM OUT. 

YOU'RE ALONE YOU HAVE NOBODY, JUST DO IT, NOBODY WOULD EVEN FUCKING MISS YOU!

WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS? THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL! JUST DO IT! 

DO IT! 

DO IT! 

I hadn't realized I'd been yelling until the door I was leaning against pushed me face down on the floor. 

A pair of firm arms grabbed me and threw the nail to the ground. Crazy things can happen when you get lost in your pain apparently. 

There's a patch of blood on my sweater where my arm is pinned against my chest and at the beginning of my rolled up sleeve. 

"Hannah! Go get something to clean this up! We gotta make sure he doesn't need to be sent up to the infirmary for stitches." A familiar British voice says, 

Ketch. 

"Let me go, jackass." I say, struggling against him, his arms tight around my chubby body. 

"Not until you calm down." He replies carefully, 

"I'm friggin calm!" 

"Yes, that sounded real calm," he replies sarcastic, still holding me. It's beginning to be awkward. 

That means I'm coming back down to earth. Which is usually a good thing but I don't wanna be on Earth right now. The pain in my arm is blooming and ketchs arms are making me claustrophobic. 

"Move." Hannah says, stepping into the small bathroom and dropping down lightly next to us as Ketch releases his hold on me. 

"I'm fine." I say, pressing my arm into my already ruined hoodie. 

"Dean." She says, surprisingly scarily. 

I sigh heavily and hold it out, not wanting to drag this out. 

She grabs onto my hand lightly and examines my quickly drying, bloody arm. 

"You might need stitches for a few of these," she starts, "I think it's best we take him to the infirmary." She says, turning to Ketch, who nods and turns to open the bathroom door. 

"Wait! I can't go out there like this," I say, pulling my wrist away from Hannah and pressing it into my shirt again. 

Not only is there blood on my shirt and arm there's also dried tears (and snot..) on my face. It's low-key mortifying. Why can't I just be normal? 

"You might need stitches and you're worried about what the other patients would think?" Hannah asks in disbelief. 

"I don't care if I need stitches! Let me bleed out for all I fucking care! I don't wanna go out there," I respond childishly, frowning at her. 

"Dean," she sighs, bringing her hand up and pinching the bridge of her nose. 

Instead if replying I cross my arms, wincing when one of my deeper cuts brushes my shirt. 

"Go get Castiel." She says, turning to Ketch and ignoring me.

"What? No!" I say as Ketch leaves the room, letting the door close behind him "He definitely can't see me like this! Hannah please!" 

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm not gonna sit here and argue with you." 

Her comment makes me slump over and lean against the wall, still holding my arm. The nail is sitting across the bathroom near the sink, I hope they forget to take it and I still have it in case... 

The door to my room opens and closes heavily, my anxiety jumps as the door to the bathroom opens and Ketch comes in, Cas on his tail. 

"Dean," he starts, his face concerned and shocked. 

My head is a bit light and my hands are shaking, not only from the anxiety because there's three people I barely know watching my clutch my self harm but also because of blood loss. 

"I don't need stitches," I say, not waiting for prompting. "It'll heal on its own... I wanna be alone."

When nobody makes a move I let my eyes close, feeling weaker than ever. 

"Dean?" Cas says, coming to kneel by me. "Hannah, go unlock the elevator we have to take him to the infirmary." 

Hannah nods and rushes out of the room, Ketch following her, making me open my eyes. 

Cas stands up and walks across the room, bending down and picking up the infamous nail, "Have you ever gotten a tetanus shot?" Cas asks, hurrying back to my side. 

"Of course," I sigh, looking from the rusty nail to Cas' face, "It's blood loss, but I'm fine. I've had worse. I don't need stitches." I didn't wanna admit after cutting my own wrists with a rusty nail I was afraid of needles. How pathetic. 

"Hannah is a nurse and she sai-" 

"I'm fine." 

"Yeah, I've heard that before." Cas replies, glaring down at the nail in his hands. "You're going to the infirmary, I'll be there with you. There's nothing to worry about." He says firmly, before dropping the nail into his pocket and leaning down to help me up, 

I grab onto his provided hand and stand slowly, not wanting to see stars. "I'm sorry.." I mutter, holding onto his arm tightly, not letting go even when I'm upright. 

When Cas doesn't respond I let go of his arm and look at the floor, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. 

"Let's go," he says, turning to hold the door open for me. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: HELLO, I'm sorry if I got anything wrong with how a normal institution would handle self harm, ive never self harmed while in patient.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, I'll try to update soon! 
> 
> Adios


	9. The Infirmary

-Dean POV- 

The infirmary is a small room on the younger patient floor above my floor. The layout looks practically the same, except where Meg's room would be is where the infirmary is at. 

A nurse with green eyes came in to check out my wounds, Cas stays with me but Hannah and Ketch go back down to the other floor. 

The examination was more awkward than the elevator ride up here, after the lady examined by arm she stepped over to the other side of the room to get a sterilized needle and thread to give me stitches. 

"Okay, you need 9 stitches, three for each gash. You'll have to come back up here to get them removed in a little while. I'm assuming you know how to take care of then considering you already have stitches," she says, it doesn't sound sarcastic but my brain makes me believe it is. 

"Alright.." I mutter, anxious for the needle, 

"I'm gonna go grab the numbing serum from the inventory room and numb you up," she starts, setting the needle down onto a tray next to the paper covered bed. "Be right back." 

When she steps out of the room Cas turns to me. "I'm sorry, Dean." 

"It's fine," I reply, looking down. 

"No, I shouldn't... Be angry I should have known... I should have stayed with you, I have no right to be angry-" 

"Yes, you do, I'm your patient," I pause to let myself breathe, "You're allowed to be... angry..." 

"Can I hug you?" He asks quietly after a few moments if silence. 

I turn towards him and furrow my eyebrows, looking around his face, "Uh.. sure?" 

Instead of responding he steps forward between my legs and wraps his arms around my shoulders, "I don't want you to hurt yourself." He says lightly in my ear. 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's okay... I understand..." Cas says, pulling back to smile sadly at me. "I just want you to get better," 

That sentence makes me wanna roll my eyes but I smile sadly back and pull my arms away from around his body as the nurse walks in,

Holding a GIANT needle. 

"What is that?" I ask, blushing as soon as the question leaves my mouth. 

"It's just a light anesthetic agent," she says, setting the needle down.

"Can I do it without?" I ask, my voice shaking. I don't bother looking at Cas', I can tell There's confusion written all over his strikingly handsome face. 

"You could but because it's a fresh open wound it'll be rather painful.." 

I consider this for a second, regardless of getting numbed there will still be a needle to sew it up..

"Okay... Just.. hurry." I say, tilting my head up at the ceiling. 

I faintly feel Cas grab onto my other hand while the nurse pushes the needle lightly into a section of uninjured skin next to one of the cuts. 

"Two more to go," she says after pulling out the needle, not commenting on Cas' hand on top of mine.

I'm unable to hold back a groan of annoyance at her words, like two was a small amount. 

She giggles at me and pushs the needle into the skin next to a different cut. "After this next one all we gotta do is wait 5 minutes for the numbing to kick in and we can get the stitching started."

I nod and suck in a shakey breath, waiting out the last two shots.

"Alright," she says after doing the last one. "I'll give you a little bit of time to numb and I'll be right back again." She says again before heading back out into the hallway to dispose of the used needle

"Good job, Dean." Cas says softly making me blush. 

"It was nothing.." 

"You are obviously afraid of needles, it wasn't nothing." I shake my head at his words and shrug.

I left my eyes drift to his hand, it's drawing circles on the base of my thumb, it's so odd to be touched by someone. To be honest, I've been touch starved most of my life, people avoided touching my fat, ugly body but Cas.. doesn't seem to mind? Probably just because he wants to calm me down but... a part of me doesn't think that's the case. 

There's no way he could just be touching me because he wants to... Right? 

Right? 

"Sorry," he says, pulling his hand away. 

"No!" I reply abruptly, grabbing his wrist and letting our eyes meet, "Please..." I ask, feeling anxiety in my chest. I hate asking for what I want.. 

"Okay," he gently puts his hand on top of mine and starts moving his thumb. 

I let out a sigh of relief and let my eyes trace his thumb.

I think I might have a crush on Cas. 

Fuck. 

-

After getting stitches we went back to Cas' office to discuss what happened.. 

"We have to put you on suicide watch starting tomorrow, you should have already been on it when you got here, I apologize we didn't arrange for the guard to come in." Cas starts after a second of silence. "A security guard will stay in your room with you 24/7 during the night. This is... Rather uncomfortable, I must admit, but it is required." He pauses, letting me take in this utterly awful news. "If it's alright with you..." He starts back up, looking into my eyes uncertainty, "I would like to... Stay with you until you fall asleep tonight..." 

I let my eyebrows furrow in confuse and my mouth opens to reply when he interrupt, "Only for tonight... The guard will be here tomorrow but... I don't want you to have to stay in seclusion today... And don't think I'm saying that to scare you into letting me stay with you, seclusion truly isn't that bad... It's up to you." Cas smiles sadly and watches me carefully.

"Okay," I say quickly, feeling a blush start on my cheeks. "Sounds good." 

"Alright.." He replies, his grin widening slightly. "I'll only stay until you fall asleep and the nurses will still check on you every hour... " I nod and look down, Immediately starting to worry about Cas hearing me snore or something. "It's only for tonight, and if you feel uncomfortable at anytime I can leave and get the seclusion room set up. Alright?" He says as softly as possible causing me to nod. I wouldn't be exactly uncomfortable, it's just.. so many things could go wrong, 

"Alright," he smiles again, "You can go to lunch, it should be almost over but I'm sure you will still have time to eat. We missed group activity but that's okay... There's always tomorrow." 

I feel fat when Cas mentions me eating, I'm such a fucking weirdo. Everyone eats, why is it embarrassing? 

Cas stands and grabs his key, heading to the door and opening it for me like the gentleman he is. 

Whoever gets to marry this man is so lucky. 

Jesus Christ. I need to stop. 

"Thanks," I mutter as Cas let's the door behind himself. 

-

The rest of the day dragged on, I was both, dreading and excited for tonight. Nobody said anything about what happened and I was eternally grateful. 

It was just after dinner time now. Which means time for group therapy. 

Fun. 

We were all sitting down together while Cas explained what we were doing, 

"Today, we're just going to do a simple activity. We're gonna go around and say a fun fact about ourselves..."

Nobody says anything as Cas smiles, it's a bit more awkward in here than usual. "okay, I'll start," Hannah pipes up, Cas smiling at her gratefully. "I have 3 brothers and a sister." Cas nods and starts his fact,

"I have a cat named Peter." Cas says causing me to furrow my eyebrows.

"I never knew my father," Jo says causing the awkwardness in the room to return. I've noticed she likes making people uncomfortable. 

"Not... Exactly what I met by 'fun fact-" Cas stutters out before deciding to let it go and gesture for Kevin to go. 

"I did extremely well in school before.." He replies, Cas nods and doesn't push, 

"I used to larp and go to conventions." Charlie says, smiling. 

It's exactly what I figured she would do. I've always wanted to cosplay and go to conventions but I knew dad would spew hateful words at me because of it so I avoided asking. 

I kind of envy her for being so open, I'd be embarrassed to admit something like that... 

"Dean?" Cas says, pulling me from my thoughts. 

"Yes?" I ask, feeling my anxiety start. "Oh, right.." I think quickly, "I... Have a little brother named Sam." 

Cas smiles at me and now again, letting his gaze linger before moving onto Benny who's sitting next to me. 

"I.. uh," he says quietly, "I have a dog." 

"Oh!" hael starts loudly, once he finishes "My favorite animal is dog." She says, smiling proudly. 

Cas nods and doesn't say anything while waiting for Gilda to go next, 

"I like art." She says simply, looking almost as bored as Jo. 

"I'm Satan." Lucifer says, throwing a challenging smirk at Cas. Alfie looks worriedly at lucifer and scoots his chair away and closer to Hannah. 

"Lucifer. That's not appropriate." Cas says, looking at Alfie. Lucifer shrugs, his smirk still in place. 

"Go ahead, Alfie." Hannah pipes up, ignoring the rebellious teen. 

"I- ah..." He starts, looking around at all of us suspiciously. "They'll know to much. I can't. They'll know." His paranoia is obvious, so obvious it seems to speak for him, "They can't know anything," 

"Okay, Alfie, you don't have to tell us." Cas says softly which Alfie nods to and looks around a bit ashamed. 

"Sorry," he mutters which Cas smiles lightly and says it's okay. 

"Alright, thank you all for participating, you can watch TV until bed now." Hannah says, smiling at everyone. 

I didn't particularly want to watch tv but it's either that or go sit in my quiet room with Cas. 

Which doesn't seem bad... The idea of showering pops up, maybe he'd come in there with me.. 

Hmm, Cas showering... What a sight it would be.. 

"Dean!" Jo says, breaking me from my thoughts and making me jump. 

"Jesus!" I say, gripping my chest. "What?" 

"Come play poker with us!" 

Apparently I hadn't realized Kevin, charlie, Gilda, Jo, and Benny had already gone to an empty table to start a game. 

"There's already too many people, ill be fine here, alone..." I reply, not wanting to intrude. 

"Pfftttt, no! Come on!" She says, stepping away from the couch I'm sitting at and heading over to the table. 

Hopefully I can get out of playing just one game. 

-

4 and a half games later it was bed time. Cas had stayed in the rec room to monitor everyone with Hannah before heading to my room with me. 

It gave me anxiety, thinking about what people might think... 

Currently I'm sitting on my bed in the insanely quiet room and Cas is going to grab extra blankets. when he had realized how cold it was in here he insisted going to get at least 2 more blankets for me. 

I slip my shoes off and set them my the end if my bed, I'm slightly claustrophobic so wearing a sweatshirt to bed isn't the best idea but... I don't want Cas to see my scars again. 

"Alright," Cas says, carrying a couple folded blankets in his arms. "I'll just sit on this spare bed," he starts, setting the blankets down next to me. "And you can just... Sleep, I guess." He laughs nervously and picks up one of the blankets, 

"We're not gonna... Talk? Or anything?" I ask, it's a stupid question, of course, why the fuck would Cas wanna talk to me?

"We can if you want... What would you like to talk about?"

"I- I dunno... This is just awkward," I reply, looking around the semi-dark room. Cas smiles and tilts his head at me. 

"It's not that bad... What if we... Play a game or something?" He says as he sits down on the bed across from me, a small smile on his face. "We don't have to, I just want you to be comfortable." 

He's so nice, it makes me wanna cry. I don't deserve nice smiles and soft voices. I'm keeping him from going home... He's probably going to be mad about it tomorrow, maybe even ignore me out of anger. I feel really bad about it, if someone made me stay the night with an ugly fat kid in a mental hospital I'd be angry too-

Cas sits down next to me on my bed, his face is scrunched with concern. "Are you alright, swe- Dean?" 

I nod but don't otherwise respond, I wanna tell him he can call me sweetheart and I wanna lean over and kiss him on his plump lips but he'd probably push me away and call me a fag-

"Dean..." He says softly again, putting his hand on my shoulder. "What's going through your mind?" 

"Nothing," I shrug and avoid Cas' eye.

After a few more quiet moments I feel Cas' arm slide around my waist and his head rest of my shoulder in place of his hand. 

I look over at the fluffy black pile of hair now sitting on my shoulder in shock. I'm disgusting why would Cas wanna touch me? he must just feel bad...

The touch-starved part if me is thriving... But the anxious part is screaming I'm doing something wrong. 

Cas presses his hand against my fat hip and starts tracing the curve with his thumb. 

"Cas.." I whisper, not wanting Cas to feel the ugly fat there. "I'm gross, you don't have t-" 

"You're not gross." He replies, sitting up to make eye contact but kept his arm around my waist. "I apologize if I'm being to forward," Cas pauses, "but... You're beautiful, Dean." 

I let my lips part slightly, trying to force my anxiety to maintain eye contact with him. "I don't know about that..." 

"It's true." He says, letting his head fall back on my shoulder. He snuggles a little closer and continues caressing my ugly hips. "Touch me?" Cas asks quietly, making my cock jump.

Did he mean-? 

"What?" I ask, my breath short slightly. Stupid fucking teenage hormones. 

"Put your arm around me."

"R-right.." 

I let my arm lift and wrap around Cas' shoulders, which causes him to snuggle even deeper, if that's even possible. Having someone this close is odd... But surprisingly it doesn't upset me. 

"I don't want you to hurt yourself..." Cas says, his voice slightly muffled from my sweatshirt. 

"I..." I start, feeling ashamed, "I don't know if I could function without it, Cas... Its the only thing that makes me feel better," 

Cas nods against me in understanding, his thumb continues drawing shapes along my hip. 

"I know it's hard... but you're strong, I can help you get clean from self harm if you are determined." 

The only noise in the room is our soft breathing as I consider this. Self harm isn't a good thing at all... But it's the only thing that makes me feel better when that awful empty feeling sets in. I use it as a punishment and a coping mechanism... and I'm afraid without it... i wouldn't be able to function. 

...but I can't spend my whole life cutting myself... If I'm forced to stay alive... I have to work on it.

"I'll think about it." Cas nods and sits up slightly. 

"You should try to sleep," he says, smiling at me sadly. "I'll be right over here-" 

"Can you lay with me?" As soon as the words leave my mouth I regret them, I'm fucking fat and the bed is a single. 

And... Y'know Cas is my therapist and all... 

He opens his to reply and I cut him off... Again, "Sorry! You don't have to..." I cringe at my words again and lean back and way from Cas. 

"I..." He starts, his eyebrows furrowed, "Do you want me to?" 

When our eyes meet I nod, unsure of his reaction.

"...Alright." he replies. His face has an odd look on it... A combination of confusion and awe... Maybe? "The beds a bit small but I'm sure we can manage." 

I nod in shock and lay back, not really knowing what to do or say. 

"Little spoon or big spoon?" Cas asks grabbing a the two new blankets and covering me up, an amused tone hidden under the words. 

"Uh... I dunno," Cas shrugs at his before walking over to the door and turning the light off.

He comes back and pulls the covers up, before laying on the sliver of bed infront of me and covering himself with the blanket, pressing his back into my chest. 

The light from the bar covered window is still bright enough to light up the room enough to see what we're doing. 

I scoot my fat ass to the edge of the other side of the bed to try and make room for him, there isn't much but it's not entirely uncomfortable. 

I hesitantly put one of my hand on his waist.

"Can you lay your arm across the pillow?" He asks quietly, I throw a quick "Yes," out and put the arm not on his waist on the pillow as he lifts his head up. 

After a few seconds of him squirming around to get comfortable, Cas lays his head on my arm and nuzzles. 

He brings his left hand up and intertwines our fingers. The softness of it all makes my heart want to explode. 

His butt is deliciously close to my dick but I ignore it, knowing my teenage brain will make me pop a boner if I'm not careful with my train of thought. 

I let my head rest in the crook of his neck. It's so nice... And scarily domestic.

"Goodnight, sweetheart." He says sounding tired. 

"Goodnight, Cas." I mumble back, letting my eyes slip shut and sleep take me.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n:   
> IM SORRY ABOUT THE LATE UPDATE IVE BEEN SO BUSYYY AHH  
> I hope you enjoyed! This was a rollercoaster.,, Should I change it from Dean POV to general POV? I feel like first person is kinda bland and i should change things up lol.  
> I hope you enjoyed, I'll try to be back soon!  
> Adios


	10. The Interlude II

-Cas POV- 

It was still dark when I woke up, I hadn't intended to fall asleep but Dean was just so... Comfortable. 

I still feel awful about what happened, but I'm glad he's staying here, I just wish he hadn't found that nail. I don't want to be the reason he hurts himself... I don't want him to hurt himself at all. 

I also feel guilty about what happened tonight, I shouldn't have indulged in laying with him, it was... Highly inappropriate. 

The only reason I did it was because he clearly needed the comfort and my words can't always soothe a sad soul. 

At first I just wanted to calm him down by giving him a hug or two but then... When we got back to his room, I saw his face... It was full of self-hatred and embarrassment, I knew I couldn't just sit there and let him deal with it alone. 

Once I laid my head on his shoulder he seemed to fall into contentment... then he asked for me to lay with him... I couldn't say no... 

A part of me wanted to though, to tell him I'm his therapist and I shouldn't... But I said yes anyway. 

I told myself I'd leave as soon as he fell asleep. I told myself as soon as his breathing evens out I'll go home and try not to think about him. 

But then I fell asleep, 

Which was fucking. Stupid. Of me. 

As soon as I woke up I jumped out of the small bed and threw my shoes on, praying it was only 11 or 12 and no nurse saw us laying together. 

After leaving Dean's room I headed to my office before quickly throwing on my jacket and grabbing my bag. 

I said goodnight to the third shift, secretary and went down the elevator. 

I waited to check the time until I was in my cold car. 

2:36 AM. 

Welp, I'm fucked. 

-

I'm so stupid, how could I say yes. I should have more self control than this, he's a teenager for fucks sake. 

He probably won't talk to me tomorrow out of embarrassment and anger. 

He didn't want me to lay with him, he was just... not in the right state of mind.. I shouldn't have taken advantage of him. 

...but it was so nice to lay with him. It was the domestic care I've been searching for since I hit my 20's, and it's not gone on me how utterly attractive he is. What I would do to him if I had the chance- 

No! I shouldn't think like this, he's only 18 and in an extremely bad place in life, I need to focus on helping him get better. 

I guess we'll see what he thinks tomorrow. 

Hopefully he doesn't hate me. 

-

I got to work the next morning earlier than usual, not only because I couldn't sleep; worrying about Dean, but because today is visiting day and I have to get the patient reports in order. 

Most of my notes are confidential but I still let the parents know the progress of their child (unless the patient was self-admitted)

((On visiting days, people come in anytime from 8 AM to 5 PM every Monday and Wednesday))

Visiting day is rightfully upsetting for everyone, realizing you can't go home and be with whoever is visiting you. I try not to let it effect me but it reminds me of my stay all those years ago. Alas, it also inspires some people to work harder on their issues for they can go home... I try to be lean on who goes home and who stays but I can't just let somebody go home because they want to. 

Cain is more... Firm than me, He's very careful about who he let's go home but this means patients who I would say are well enough to go home, would be here for extra time (in my opinion). 

For example: Jo is here for a behavioral disorder called BPD and she's improved a lot since she got here, while she still has a long way to go, I believe she's stable enough to go home. 

Cain, on the other hand, doesn't agree. 

"Hiya! Cas," Meg says, stepping into my office. I feel my stomach jump as she walks into my office, hopefully she doesn't know about me and dean- 

"Oh... Hello, Meg. How are you today?" I ask, trying to be polite.

"I'm good, uh.." She pauses, tucking hair behind her ear. "Listen, Clarence..." She walks carefully over and sits in one of the chairs in front of my desk, "Would you wanna go to dinner with me this weekend?" 

The question takes me by surprise, why would Meg ask somebody like me out? 

"Uh..." I mutter, dumbfounded. 

I could say yes, while I prefer men, I still do like women... but I'm unsure, I haven't been on a date forever. 

"Cas?" She asks, squinting at me and smiling, "Did I break you?" 

"I- uh... Sure!" I say, before Immediately cringing at myself. Why can't I say no! 

"Awesome!" She grins, it's predatory and hungry. "How about I text you on Saturday and we can decide a place and time?" 

I nod, wanting the ground to swallow me up. 

"Okay, see ya later, Clarence." She gives a flutter finger wave and heads back to the office. 

I lean forward and put my head on the desk. God dammit. 

-

I didn't see Dean until our therapy session at 10:30. 

I was... shamefully happy to see him. 

He didn't seem upset though, he grinned prettily at me and gave a shy "hi," when I walked into the rec room. 

"Hello, Dean." I respond, looking at his dull eyes and pretty smile. "Let's go to the spare room." 

He nods and stands from the couch from where he's sitting next to Charlie watching TV. 

"How was your day?" I ask, looking over at Dean.

God, he's cute- 

"It was good... My night was even better." He says, looking down shyly.

I huff out a small laugh to let him know I'm listening. 

After opening the door for him and stepping into the room, we sit on the floor together. 

"What would you like to talk about today?" I ask, tilting my head at him. 

"Uhm... I dunno, you decide." He replies, blushing.   
-

While Dean's in lunch, I go visit Gabriel for help, he's always a good advice giver, it's surprising considering how many impulsive things he does daily. 

I take my ham sandwich and low-calorie potato chips into the kitchen of the cafeteria. 

Gabriel's sitting on a stool in the middle of the room, eating a sandwich with one hand and scrolling on his phone with the other. 

Instead of saying hello I just pull out the stool next to him and sit down, 

"Heya, Cassie." He says, his mouth full of Nutella and peanut butter. 

"I did something... mildly stupid and I need your advice." I start, pulling out my sandwich and taking a small bite. 

"Oh no, don't tell me you ignored my advice and sent that boy home anyway." He says, turning serious. 

"No, no... I just cuddled with him,"

Gabriel's eyebrows furrow, he set his sandwich and phone down and turned towards me. "...I.. huh?" 

"I cuddled with Dean and slept in his bed and I feel like I took advantage of him. Help me?"

Gabriel smiled and shook his head in amusement, "Only you, Cassie." 

"Just help me...please?" 

"Did you try telling him how you felt? You're the therapist, you should know to try that first," he replies, chuckling and taking a bite of his sandwich. 

"I don't want to upset him,"

"Well, maybe hiding how you feel from him would upset him more than cuddling him..?" Gabe says, raising an eyebrow, "There isn't much you can do, Cassie, it happened for whatever reason, just try not to hurt his feelings when you talk to him.." 

"Why would I hurt his feelings?" I ask, feeling unsure.

"Well, you might have given the impression you.. had a crush on him? I could be wrong, but when I was 18 I thought people who showed even the smallest amount of kindness was in love with me.." He snickers, shaking his head again. 

I nod shamefully. 

What if I wanted Dean to think I liked him? ...I don't... He's my patient and 7 years younger than me. 

He has a long way to go before he leaves but... Hypothetically, if I did... like him, would it be so bad? 

I wouldn't try anything while he's here, obviously. He needs to focus on getting better...

"Don't think so hard, I don't think he's capable of hating you," Gabriel says, his phone now in his hand. "Just go talk to him during recreation, and again, don't be harsh! Even when you're not trying, you have a resting bitch face, so be careful!"

I squint at him and nod before going back to my sandwich.

-

After lunch I didn't have time to talk to Dean because Sam was dropped off for visiting hours. 

Hannah went with them to the spare room to monitor, 

I had an appointment with Gilda in a half an hour so instead of waiting for them to finish visiting I decided to go to my office and prepare for the appointment. 

It didn't take long to do that so afterwards I cleaned up a bit while trying not to think about dean. 

What if I did like him? 

What if...?

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Feel free to call me out on any plot holes or mistakes so I can go back and fix them, I'm not a talented writer lol.   
> Interludes are generally shorter so sorry for the length of this chapter.   
> Next chapter is Dean POV again and we'll see his visit with Sam uwu  
> Hope you enjoyed   
> Adios


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